WASHINGTON, D.C. — Taking time out from his presidential campaign tour, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) told a group of reporters outside his office in an impromptu press conference that the rumors were true. He and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) are going to settle their differences, but it’s how the two plan to squash the animus between them — animus that has boiled over on the floor of the Senate in the last few days, with Cruz getting a verbal drubbing from three other Senate Republicans not involved in the dispute — that has all of D.C. abuzz.
“I’ve told them several times in the last week they needed to just get a room, fuck each other’s brains out and get on with it,” said Sen. John McCain to reporters some time later adding, “what do they think this is? An episode of ‘The Office’?” McCain was referring to the rather unusual plan McConnell and Cruz have concocted to help them bury the hatchet, among other things, with each other.
According to Cruz, he and McConnell have booked a room at the Four Points Sheraton in Gallow’s Glen, Maryland. There, the two will check-in on a Friday afternoon, and they won’t be leaving until Sunday evening. Staffers for both Evangelical Christian men confirm the idea behind the retreat is for the two to “fuck it out,” as one anonymous McConnell staffer put it, telling The Political Garbage Chute, “they’re both clearly into each other but neither has been able to find a way to break that sexual tension” up to this point.
The impetus for Cruz and McConnell’s naughty rendezvous came last Sunday, when Republicans in the Senate took to the floor to berate Cruz for what many of his colleagues thought was pure political theatrics. When McConnell allowed an amendment to be attached to a highway funding bill that would also open the Import-Export Bank — something that infuriated Cruz — the barbs started flying, with the Canadian-Cuban-American accusing McConnell of telling a “flat-out lie” about not allowing Democrats to get a vote on the ExIm Bank.
Cruz’s attacks on McConnell brought on vicious rebukes from Old Guard Republicans who have perhaps grown weary of Cruz’s antics. Since 2010, Cruz has made headlines by helping shut down the entire government in 2013 over a failed attempt to defund Obamacare, as well as taking every opportunity possible to chide his fellow Republicans when they were acting “squishy” in his words — turning their backs on conservative principles. The rebukes from other Republicans were swift and harsh.
Many felt that Cruz was just making noise trying to get some good sound bytes for his presidential bid. “We are not here on some frolic, or to pursue personal ambitions,” said Sen. Orin Hatch (R-UT) said. “We serve the people, not our own egos,” Hatch continued.
According to sources, it was Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus who saw Sunday’s Senate session and called McConnell and Cruz early Monday morning with a bold, new idea. “I told them,” Priebus would tell the media later, “that they can take a chance on doing something that would not only help cut the tension between them, but might actually get us a few LGBT votes next year. I mean, we’re the party of homophobia, so what better way to change that narrative than to have two of our fiercest ideologues bone their contentions out,” Priebus asked rhetorically.
“I’ve said all along, I am up for whatever it takes to show the American people that Republicans are serious about leading this country,” McConnell said in a written statement late Tuesday night, “and if gallivanting off to upstate Maryland to boff Senator Cruz ’til the cows come home is what my party wants to do to show the country how serious we are, then strap-in baby, I’m gonna fuck Teddy eight ways from Sunday, and twice on Thursday!”
Staffers say that there have been some basic ground rules established to ensure that both men feel they are being respected and praised enough for their egos to feel satisfied. They’ve also established a safety phrase — “Trickle Down” — to indicate when either McConnell or Cruz feel the sexual experimentation has gotten outside their comfort zones. Priebus told reporters he’s “not sure at all” that this solution will bring peace and tranquility to his party that has been in the midst of a roiling inner debate between the hard-right Tea Party factions and the more moderate establishment Republicans, but that he’s “got to be willing to think outside the box” at times like these.
“No sacrifice is too great for the American people,” Cruz told reporters as he was heading off to lunch, “even when your party asks you to get super naked and rub-up on a septuagenarian. You must be willing to do for the country what you may not have considered doing before. I want to get along with Mitch. He’s a great guy. He’s kinda cute and sexy in an ‘I find old, wrinkly power mongers hot’ kinda way. So yeah, I’ll fuck Mitch McConnell, and Mitch McConnell will fuck me. Because that is the exact kind of leadership our voters have come to expect from us, and I will not be the one to disappoint them.”