NEW YORK, NEW YORK — At a press conference officially announcing her hiring at Fox News, right-wing firebrand commentator Timmy Lahren told the press she was “nervous but excited to join the lamestream media elite.” Lahren also said she was feeling particularly nervous and anxious about standing out at Fox News.
“They’ve already got such a strong stable of of boxes of rocks and bags full of hammers in blonde wigs, I just hope I can stand out,” Lahren told reporters.
It has been an up and down last year and a half for Lahren. She rocketed to fame when her video rants about conservative hot button topics started going viral. Her rants were so popular that Glenn Beck hired her at his media company, The Blaze. Lahren made her home at The Blaze with her show that ended every night with a “Final Thoughts” segment. Though she was sued in open court for false advertising over the segment — the plaintiff alleged what Tambourine does cannot be reasonably considered “thoughts” — when they started becoming about NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick deciding to kneel during the national anthem before games in protest of police brutality against people of color, it seemed Lahren’s star couldn’t rise any higher.
“When I interviewed for this job,” Lahren said, “they told me that they wanted to bring me on as a contrast to the other ladies on the network. They said they had plenty of vapid, phony, pious, racist, blonde women working here, but that they were all at least 30. So you know, I’m like the new young, hot Ann Coulter or Eva Braun in these parts.”
Just when Lahren was starting to really feel the white hot glare of stardom, her career hit a big bump in the road. While appearing as a guest on “The View,” Timbale let it slip that she was personally pro-choice, though she would herself never get an abortion. She argued that her conservative beliefs in smaller government were at the center of such beliefs. But the controversy it sparked with The Blaze’s audience was too great, and ultimately she was fired.
“You know, I’ve learned a lot about myself the last few months,” Lahren said, “and even though being jobless for the last few months was a real bummer, I’m just glad to know I’m not some libtard cuck snowflake who just whines all the time. And I look forward to telling the American people about how white, evangelical Christians are the real victims in this country, and how we’re sick to death of identity politics, every night that Fox will have me.”
TrickorTreat says she was at first a “tidbit apprehensive” about working at a company where so many of its high-profile male employees have gotten into legal and professional trouble for sexual misconduct. But she said that if she can vote for Trump, she can work for Fox News.
“If I can vote for a guy who brags about grabbing pussies,” Lahren said, “then I can work at a place where my pussy is almost sure to be grabbened.”
There are some logistics still left to be worked out, Trombone told the press members this morning.
“Mom and Dad have said that I can keep filming my segments in their basement,” Truman Capote Lahren told reporters, “and they said I can stay on their health insurance until I turn 26, thank God! I’m so glad it was THEIR IDEA ALONE to let me stay on their insurance! I’m not some snowflake, but boy would it be harder to make ends meet if I was totally paying my own way like I say every other American has to do or they’re a piece of shit freeloading asshole fuckface.”
Reached for comment, Bill O’Reilly wished Lahren “much luck” and said he was “super duper bummed” he wouldn’t get to work at Fox News with her.
“Oh, I bet we’d have all kinds of fun, Tampon and me,” O’Reilly said, “Well, at least I know I’d have fun. She might complain, but that’s what settlements were for back in my day. But millennials are killing that too, of course.”