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A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true....

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the...
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Satirist Beginning to Suspect He May Secretly Be a Prophet

Aspiring satirist Johnathon Flake expressed a growing conviction to friends and colleagues today that...

Lahren Defends George Floyd’s Killer: “Blue Kneels Matter More”

LA VALLE RUBIA PINCHE PUTA, CALIFORNIA -- Fox News contributing racist Tomi Lahren has...

Local Man Pretty Sure He Can Convince Himself to Masturbate

SPAYNK RIVER BANK, MISSOURI -- In a sleepy town located on the banks of...

Trump Pledges 10,000 Flotation Devices to ‘Help the Mexicans Survive’ Cinco de Mayo

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A perhaps confused President Trump began his day this morning by...

Trump Calls William Shatner to Wish Him Happy May The 4th

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Today, fans of the iconic film franchise Star Wars are celebrating the legacy...

White Claw Reveals Its 7 Least Popular Flavors

Adult beverage maker White Claw has become quite popular over the last year or...

4 Ways to Tell If You Use the Word “Sheeple” Too Much

There are certain words in the English language that are categorically terrible, stupid, idiotic...

CDC Suggests Chronic Masturbators Replace Regular Lube With Hand Sanitizer

ATLANTA, GEORGIA -- Doctors with the Centers for Disease Control issued new guidance this...

CDC Recommends Washing Hands For At Least As Long As It Takes For You To Masturbate

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The Centers for Disease Control have issued a fresh new set...

Petition to Put Harvey Weinstein In Epstein’s Prison Cell Reaches Six Million Signatures

NEW YORK -- This week, a petition to put disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein...

Toddler Doesn’t Give a Fuck

LINCOLN, INDIANA -- He doesn't give a fuck.  He doesn't give a fuck what you...

Man Buys All of Store’s Toilet Paper and Canned Chili to Survive Coronavirus Quarantine

MIERDALIQUIDA VALLEY, CALIFORNIA -- A grocery store on Main Street has reported that one...

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A Bald Eagle Protecting an American Flag Reminded Me Holocaust Denier JK Rowling Can’t Sue Me

Author JK Rowling is not a fan of transgender people, that much is true....

Hillary Clinton Told Me She Has the Free Time to Be a Juror for Trump’s Trials

"...nothing would make me happier than to help make sure Donald Trump got the...

The State of Arizona Just Sent Me the Pink Slip for My Wife’s Uterus

"...my wife and I weren't planning any excursions through Arizona to begin with. However,...

Marjorie Taylor Greene Told Me Her New Theory: Hunter’s Dick Pics Caused New York’s Earthquakes

"...when I was researching Hunter's dick pics again last night, I noticed something I...