WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sub-President Donald Trump, with permission from President Steve Bannon, has issued a new executive order. This time, the order stipulates that any time the president or sub-president “rolls through a Mickey Dees” that they be given free dipping sauces for their Chicken McNuggets.
“Ah yes,” Trump said as his chief of staff handed him the order, “this one we’re calling ‘Make McDonald’s Give Us Free Sauces Again.’ Very important. A lot of my friends have been giving me funny looks when I take them to McDonald’s and even as President of the frickin’ United States of America they want to charge me an extra ten cents per dipping sauce for my nuggets.”
Mr. Trump said that last week he, Bannon, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, and Texas Republican Congressman Rep. Louie Gohmert were all going through the drive-thru at the D.C.-area McDonald’s closest to the White House. When he got up to the window to pay, he asked the employee if he could have “some extra barbecue and hot mustard sauces.” The attendant said it wouldn’t be a problem, but she had to charge him a dime per extra sauce, per company rules.
“Excuse me,” Trump said he shot back, “I’m the goddamn president here. If I want to tell a private company what to do, I get do it.”
Trump said he looked in the back seat to see if Gohmert or McConnell would object. Typically, Trump said, he and his fellow Republicans would scoff mightily at the suggestion that a sitting president can use the power of his office to influence a free market company, but those rules no longer apply “now that the darkie Democrat isn’t in our beautifully white White House.” Trump said all the men in the car later told him they were “proud of and more than a little turned on by” Trump’s display of raw power.
“I bet if I had asked,” Trump said, “right then and there all of those guys — except Steve — would have blown me. With me and Steve it’s different. I don’t degrade Steve. You don’t degrade your superior, not where I’m from, know what I mean? Of course you do.”
When a reporter asked Trump if, as an alleged billionaire and the most powerful man in the free world, he was being a little petty over nugget dipping sauces he could afford to pay the extra ten cents on, he became enraged.
“Petty? I’m not petty! Who said I was petty? Fuck them,” Trump roared back at the reporter, “No, seriously, tell me. Tell me who said I’m petty. I’m not petty. Fine, don’t tell me. I’ll just tweet that you’re a bitch and a piece of shit and your publication is failing.”
Spokespeople for McDonald’s could not be reached for comment.
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