Stephen Miller Really Wants You To Put The Goddamned Lotion In The Fucking Basket

Published on

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Stephen Miller, White House senior policy adviser, held a press conference early this morning, announcing his “extreme displeasure” and “overwhelming anxiety” at how few people have put the lotion in the basket or even on their skin, leading to a spike in those needing to get the hose again.

MORE: Trump Suggests Adult Film Industry Rename ATMs to “Doing a McEnany”

“It puts the lotion on its skin,” Miller said to reporters, “or it gets the hose again. It puts the lotion in the basket. It’s really that simple folks. We’re three weeks into this administration and you don’t understand this very simple concept? Here, let me draw it out for you.”

Miller produced a large easel and a big, black Sharpie marker. He took one look at the marker. He sighed in disgust.

“Can we get a different color marker please,” he asked to someone off camera who shot a question back to him. He answered angrily, “I don’t give a fuck! Any other color besides black. You know how I hate blacks. The blacks are the worst…of the marker colors.”

Once an aide had found a red sharpie, Mr. Miller drew a basket and a tube of lotion then a curvy arrow between the lotion and the basket. He gestured between the illustrations for several, long moments. He nodded up and down wildly.

“I think you get the point,” Miller said.

Throughout the press conference, Miller never explained why the lotion was there, or the need for the basket. He never discussed what the purpose of needing everyone to put lotion on their skin and int he basket was, nor what the consequences for not obeying might be, beyond “getting the hose.” It’s also not just the lotion that Miller would like you to put in the basket.

“Just put the shampoo in the basket, okay,” Miller asked, “just put the shampoo in the goddamned basket.”

Reporters took the opportunity to asked Mr. Miller what he meant when he told George Stephanopoulos that President Trump’s authority “won’t be challenged.” Miller repeated the need for everyone to put the lotion in the basket. When the press pool tried to ask for details on Trump’s Obamacare replacement package, Miller again demanded everyone put the lotion on its skin, or they will get the hose again.

Reached for comment, the White House said that Miller will be taking a “much deserved respite” in his hometown of Transylvania. They did stand by Miller’s demand that we put the lotion in the basket, put the lotion on our skin, and barring that, we put the shampoo in the basket.

MORE: Devos Identifying a Few Thousand Students America Can Afford To Die From Coronavirus

Like what you read? Consider becoming a paid Facebook subscriber, signing up for my Patreon, or consider dropping a buck or two in my virtual tip jar, via my PayPal.Me account.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

Latest articles

Want to Read Some Excerpts From The New Bible Trump Is Selling?

When one looks at the life and times of Donald J. Trump, one can't...

I Applaud Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Efforts to Free My Antifa Brethren From Jail

"...imagine my shock and surprise when Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene started her attention whoring...

What If Trump Uses Ivanka’s OnlyFans to Payoff His Rape, Defamation, and Fraud Fines?

"...it turns out Eric Trump  spent all his money this week on magic beans...

I Asked This Grand Wizard Why He’s Voting for Donald Trump and Not the Democrat

Ask any evangelical, Christian conservative and they'll tell you without batting a single eyelash...