Attorney General Sessions Not Sure He Enjoys The Taste of Trump’s Anus Anymore

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General Jeff Sessions was one of the earliest and loudest supporters that candidate Donald Trump had in the Republican Party. Sessions was a senator from Alabama at the time Trump announced his candidacy and while many in the party waited as long as they could before supporting him, Sessions was an early adopter of the “America First,” or “Make America Great Again” mantra of the Trump campaign.

When Sessions was named as Trump’s pick for Attorney General, no one on the Hill expressed much surprise. However, after several questions were raised about Sessions’ Senate confirmation hearing testimony, and he ended up choosing to recuse himself from the Russian hacking and Trump campaign collusion investigation, that’s when the relationship between the two men began to sour, by all published accounts.


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In interviews and on Twitter, Trump has lambasted Sessions and questioned why he isn’t going after “Crooked” Hillary Clinton. Trump has expressed publicly his feelings of betrayal and anger, elicited by Sessions’ recusal on the Russian affair. In tweets, especially, Trump has been persistent in his open criticism of Sessions, a man who has shown him loyalty — a quality the president reportedly values in his employees quite a bit — and that criticism has even started to draw rebuke from Sessions former Republican colleagues in the Senate.

Sessions was recently spotted by a reporter from The Ohio Daily Tribune and asked a few questions about his relationship with the president. Sessions was on the way to a meeting former associates in a bakery he used to work at, making cookies that bore a striking resemblance to him, but he did answer a few questions that might give some further insight into how frayed his relationship with Trump is. Sessions acknowledged reports that he and Trump are not speaking to each other currently.




“Well, I’d like to be working one hundred percent on making it harder for people of color to vote,” Sessions said, “and to making the official marijuana policy of this great nation literally the script of Reefer Madness. But my old grandpappy once cleared away some of the crosses he was making to burn on some folks’ lawns, sat me down on his porch,  and told me one day that you gotta wash your robe then you wash your hood.”

Attorney General Sessions said the lesson in his grandfather’s words was that success comes when you can “focus on one thing at a time.”

“And right now, I’d be lying if I didn’t say it’s hard to concentrate on giving our cops the right to take literally everything you have, even if you’re found innocent, when I’m getting bombarded with insults and mockery from the president,” Sessions admitted.

Mr. Sessions said he feels a “little taken aback and frankly blindsided” by Trump’s behavior toward him.

“I mean, who would have guessed that Donald Trump was a termagant, mercurial bully that can turn on anybody at any time, and is willing to say the meanest, even untrue things about people he feels slighted by in public,” Sessions asked rhetorically, “because I sure as heck never did, I tell you what.”

In a particularly baleful and candid moment, Sessions lamented that one element of his relationship with Trump has changed quite drastically.


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“I don’t know. I used to really relish the texture and tang of his rectum,” Sessions said, “but right now? It just tastes bitter and if I’m being honest, a little like borscht and treason.”

Mr. Sessions said that had he known Trump would “turn on” on him so much, he’d “never have gotten so turned on by kissing up” to the president.

“What good is kissing someone’s ass for a year if they’re just going to turn on you the first time you show some dang ol’ principles,” Sessions asked rhetorically.

The White House did not respond to requests for comment on this story.


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About James Schlarmann 1864 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
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