Sen Ted Cruz: ‘Whether I Win or Not, My Bank Accounts Will’

At the first campaign stop of his 2016 presidential bid, Sen. Ted Cruz told reporters why he doesn't care if he wins or loses.

DEIOPOLIS, TEXAS — Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was the first major political figure to official announce his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election. He hit the ground running with a state of the art website, and his first campaign bumper sticker that seeks to position Cruz as a job creator — in one particular industry at least.

TED CRUZ BUMPER STICKERS 002

Many who follow politics are not convinced that Senator Cruz can truly capture his party’s nomination. In his short tenure as a U.S. Senator, he has mostly worked against the grain with everyone he has come into contact with — and that includes members of his own party. Cruz rode into D.C. riding the 2010 tidal wave that was the Tea Party, and has dug himself into the trenches, opting mostly to stick to the far-right of the political spectrum. Whether it’s a Democrat or an establishment Republican he’s called “squishy,” Cruz has made no shortage of enemies in Washington in his brief sting there so far.

Sen. Cruz began crisscrossing the country this week, starting up his presidential campaign in earnest with a stop in Deiopolis, a city in his home state of Texas. “I may be a Canadian by birth, but I am a Texan by blood,” Cruz started his speech, “and all I know is that I’m ready to fight for real victims in America today — white, middle-aged, conservative men…and their wives if they vote as their husbands require of them.” Cruz stood at the lectern in front of the small town’s Chik-Fil-A, sweat falling from his brow as he gestured toward the sky. “The Good American Lord has given us so much, and we have squandered it by getting bogged down in the culture war with the George Soros-backed Maobama and his cohorts. We have allowed them to get their tentacles into our country’s moorings and they are about to rip it clean off, sending us hurtling on a collision course with Armageddon when American God smites us all for letting gays vote, women make as much as men and admitting to the continued existence of systemic racism.”

Cruz surprised many in the audience by addressing some of the criticisms of his campaign directly. “Some have said that I shouldn’t run because I’ve only been a Senator for a short period of time, and not a very effective or memorable one at that,” Cruz told the hundred or so people in attendance at the rally, “but hey, it worked for that black dude in the White House right now, and so what if that makes every Republican who criticized Obama’s ‘lack of experience’ a hypocrite, this is politics guys, and hypocrisy is like saying words like ‘the’ and ‘me’ to us.”

The Texas Republican also addressed his conflicts within his own party. “You know, others have said I’ll never win my party’s nomination because I have angered so many of them,” Cruz told reporters and rally supporters alike. “It’s funny, but I find myself not caring about that. We live in a fantastic country, brought to us by Corporate America God, and that country’s electoral process is such that whether I win or lose — my bank accounts will.”

Reporters approached Senator Cruz when he was finished with his speech that careened from guns, “every man, woman and child should be issued a semi-automatic weapon of their choosing in case the government I am actively trying to get you to give me control of goes ape shit and tries to kill you in your sleep,” to immigration, “fuck the Mexicans,” to Obamacare, “fuck the Poors,” and marriage equality, “fuck the gays, but not literally of course I mean why would I ever be gay, I mean it was just in college and I was trying to fit in and Gary was so sweet and kind and we knew it was just for one incredible summer…wait what?” Members of the media wanted to know what he meant by saying that whether he personally won or lost, his bank account would win.

“You liberal lamestream media types need everything spoon-fed to you, don’t you?” Cruz chastised the reporters. “Here’s how it works — I run a campaign that everyone knows has not a chance in Hell of making to the end,” the senator continued, “but if you think making it to the end, or even getting elected is the point of this dog and pony show, you are naive as all get out, son.” Cruz closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and then further pontificated.

“All I need is a campaign that lasts long enough for me to make some incredibly hyperbolic statements in a debate or two. That will let me fire up the hard right-wing base of my party. They’ll donate millions of dollars to my campaign fund. I’ll spend that money touring the country saying more incredibly regressive things, that’ll get me more campaign donations, and when my efforts ultimately flame out, I’ll withdraw my name from consideration, but here’s the kicker — I get to keep the cash.”

Cruz  told reporters that “as long as I promise to hold onto it for the next election cycle, I can just keep running the same abortion of a campaign over and over again, and if the ideologues keep giving me checks, I keep cashing them.” Cruz said he “could run for the rest of [his] life” and that “winning an election isn’t what matters in American politics anymore; it’s cashing those sweet, sweet checks.”

“And in that regard,” Cruz asked as he was getting into his campaign bus funded by donations, “aren’t I really a winner no matter what? I think I am. God bless America, God bless the Free Markets, and most importantly, God Bless Ted Cruz!”

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