LAGO DE LAS ESTUPIDECES CARA COGIDA, FLORIDA — Phillip Dickerdillia is a self-described “right-wing libertarian” and Second Amendment activist. In the wake of America’s deadliest mass shooting ever, Dickerdillia has started a support group for what he describes as “the real victims with real stories” of the tragedy. Mr. Dickerdillia says the impetus for starting his group was seeing the NRA come out possibly in support of further regulating the “bump stock” Las Vegas mass shooter Stephen Paddock used in his grisly attack last weekend. Dickerdillia calls that a “shocking and appalling grasping of low hanging fruit.”
“I wanted to start a group for the poor, picked on guns,” Dickerdillia told reporters at a press conference. Mr. Dickerdillia runs several right-wing Facebook pages and he posted several times this week about his new group, Americans For the Equal Treatment of All Guns, or AFEATAG. “Everyone wants to talk about the people who were shot and killed or injured as the victims of this horrible tragedy,” Dickerdillia told his Facebook fans, “but no one ever wants to stick-up for the feelings of the sad guns. How come no one ever thinks about the gun’s feelings? That gun is just minding its own business when, BLAM-O, it’s used in a horrific spree killing after its brothers have been used in other, similar mass shootings, and now people want to stop that one, particular kind of gun from being sold? WON’T ANYONE THINK OF THE POOR GUNS?!”
Mr. Dickerdillia says the focus of the AFEATAG will be to “raise awareness for guns” and to “provide several avenues of charitable hospitality” for firearms.
“Guns are literally the only reason for any American to feel free,” Dickerdillia said in another Facebook post, “and sure we fought our own violent revolutionary war about 240 years ago. Sure, since that point it’s been our goal as a society to change things with a ballot box, not an ammo box. But I say this to those people — shut up and let me buy whatever gun I want, for whatever purpose I want, if for no other reason than these guns have feelings too!”
Dickerdillia says while it’s “really easy” for people to feel sympathy for people killed or hurt by gunfire, he says it’s important “not to rush to judgment” of guns, because “while they technically make killing tons of people quickly super-easy, there’s a lot more to it than that.”
“Like for instance,” Dickerdillia insists, “me wanting to own a new gun. That’s a thing. That you have you to respect. Because ‘freedom’ and ‘reasons.'”
One of the most ambitious projects Dickerdillia hopes to tackle is a gun orphanage. It would be a place where the “true victims of society could be collected and given newer, happier homes to live in.”
“Every gun deserves a home,” Dickerdillia’s most recent post said, “and every home deserves a patriotic freedom cannon to protect it. I literally cannot think of anything a home needs more. A car? Pfft. You can drive your gun to work. A stove? Whatever. You can just kill and eat a squirrel raw if you’re so hungry, dick. Beds? Sleep in your gun, moron. Loving family members? I’m not even going to dignify that with a response, you gun grabbing libtards!”