Scott Walker — Wisconsin’s Vaginal Commander-In-Chief

What in the Good Goddamn is going on in Republicans Governor’s mansions…some kind of mass drug binge? What has possessed these grown men to decide they all need to become their state’s Vaginal Commanders-In-Chief? I’d say that I’m getting tired of having to write pieces about Republican run state legislatures passing harsh anti-abortion laws that set back women’s rights in this country forty years, but they are exposing themselves for just how far over the cliff they’ve let the clown wagon careen.

If you are a woman in Wisconsin, you just had one of your constitutionally-protected rights completely subordinated and nullified. It’s just one more right-wing fringe attack on America’s working class, like the extreme anti-union laws he’s signed into effect. Apparently the word got out to Republicans that they’re not going to win another presidential election while they cozy up to racists, misogynists, science deniers and gun zealots, so just try to damage the country from the state level instead.

Maybe the “War on Women” rhetoric was a little over the top, but how can it be denied that conservatives in this country are on a religious crusade to rid the land of the scourge of abortion? Very clearly they are because other than blocking Obamacare, that’s all Republicans have really been doing both in the states and in Congress. Oh, I forgot, they’ve also been trying to write laws in the states that nullify federal gun laws. These new sweeping abortion laws have nothing to do with protecting the health and safety of the pregnant woman or even the unborn child.

The plain facts are that it’s just conservative social engineering. They’re focusing on the wrong end of the story when it comes to abortion. If you want to end abortions, you don’t make them illegal. If you want to end abortions you make contraceptives free and widely available so that if mistakes of passion are made they’re much less likely to wind up creating a new life at a non-optimal time. If you want to stop abortions, to really stop them, you have amazing, targeted, age-appropriate sexual education that teaches adolescents that abstinence is wise while they’re not emotionally ready to handle the responsibilities of child-rearing, but that reality dictates that we give them the tools of knowledge and contraceptives for the inevitable cases of them ignoring our admonitions.

Walker’s just the latest conservative man to think the government should have a say in family planning and procreation. It’s funny, he’s done everything he can in his power to shrink the size of the government. Until that is it came time to jam his government up inside the women of his state. He’s no moderate, like he was trying to appear in the days and weeks after the effort to recall him failed. He’s as bold in trying to install theocratic nonsense as law as any of these misogynists in governor’s clothing.

If this law is allowed to stand — and it won’t be; we’ll get to that shortly — it will force women in Wisconsin to get ultrasounds whether they or their doctor want or think she needs one, prior to any abortion procedure. Since no one in their commentary likes to talk about why they want a sonogram, let’s just put all the cards on the table. It’s cruel. It’s Draconian. It’s downright inhumane to take a woman who has just made one of the most incredibly difficult decisions of her life and then rub her face in it. That’s what ultrasounds are. They’re hoping the woman seeking the abortion will see the zygote or fetus and feel like the worst person on earth for terminating the pregnancy. It’s exponentially more disgusting when you consider rape victims.

Imagine telling a woman who was raped that she can’t terminate the pregnancy that resulted from her rape until she looks at the spawn of her attacker on a fuzzy monitor. She has to hear the heartbeat of the offspring of the man who violated her in the worst possible way. The problem is you can’t reason with Republicans on this issue because they just flat-out refuse to admit that women get raped and are sexually assaulted by their own family all the time. We’ve all known far too many people in our lives who were the victims of sexual abuse in one way or another. Their lies and misunderstandings about science, biology and what rape kits do notwithstanding, the truth is that sexual assaults like any other act of sexual penetration that evolves ejaculation without the use of some kind of prophylactic can and does result in pregnancy if all the other biological factors line up.

This isn’t rocket science; it’s life science. But it’s science nonetheless so that’s why Republicans like Scott Walker hate it. I just don’t understand it. They’re the part of personal responsibility. What’s more responsible than making sure that the time you bring another life into the world is the most optimum time it can be? How many parentless children to we already have in this world? We have so many orphans that celebrities have their own high-end orphan market where they get to import babies from third-world countries. We don’t need any more unwanted children. We need to take care of the ones we have, because they’ve already been fucking born. 

I certainly wouldn’t be the first person to point out the hypocrisy of people saying they’re all about protecting the unborn child and the life of the mother then turning around and opposing every social program that takes care of those babies once they’re born. That’s why you can tell the only motivation is control. Control of the women. Control of the poor people who they need to keep voting against their best interests. So they play to their emotions. The emotional side of the abortion argument cuts both ways though. Subjugation and oppression are not valid trade-offs for saving the life of something that if you took it from its mother’s womb, survival would be impossible.

This country already had our abortion discussion. Despite current attempts by conservatives to inject doubt into the Roe V. Wade decision, unlike Bush v. Gore or Citizens United, Roe was a 7-2 decision. Hell, even the gay marriage cases the court just decided were 5-4 decisions. Back in the seventies the case was settled by the high court not so that the question couldn’t be debated by the public, but because the public was finding it impossible to find compromise themselves, and they wound up making a very prudent decision based on sound logic. Unless and until the unborn fetus reaches medical viability, what would even be the point in assigning it Constitutional rights, except to be able to prosecute women and doctors for murder in the event an abortion is performed.

So just stop and think about that for a second. In Conservative Dream Land if a woman gets raped and has an abortion in a red state, she and her doctor can be sent to jail. Americans cannot let them get away with this. Wisconsinites cannot let Walker get away with this. We have a belief in the separation of church and state in this country for a good reason. Maybe the overwhelming majority of abortions don’t come after a rape. Then again, we know for a fact that thousands of rapes go unreported every year, so who knows what the actual number is? But if one rape victim is treated like the criminal in her situation, then that’s one rape victim too many.

Sorry you were violated in the most scarring way and your life will never be the same again. Sorry that you’ll have triggers all over the place and be subjected to nightmares and will probably need lifelong, continual, intense therapy to deal with having your very body trespassed against in a violent, horrendous way. But you ended the pregnancy that resulted from all that, so book ‘er, Dan-o!”

Attention Planned Parenthood of Wisconsin and all free-thinking females — you were just attacked and your Constitutional rights were trampled on by a man who was elected ostensibly to protect all Wisconsinites. I think you know what to do. But if not, see Texas and North Carolina. The good news is that lawsuits have already been filed and the Department of Justice said they’d respond in court, so this heinous law will likely never see the light of day. I’d look for an emergency injunction very soon.

The bottom line for anyone in cheese and beer country is a simple one. Walker is up for reelection next year. It’s time for you all to decide what you should stock up on — coat hangers and bleach, or tar and feathers.





About James Schlarmann 2612 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
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