ROWING PINES, IOWA — With the 2016 presidential election a mere 14 months away, Republican candidates are working extremely hard to present themselves as a clear alternative to the last eight years of a Democratic president, but in particular the Democratic president who has been in the Oval Office over that same period of time. Every single declared Republican candidate harshly criticized President Barack Obama’s administration’s diplomatic triumph of the Iran nuclear deal, but they have differed in their suggested solutions and alternative foreign policy goals.
For Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker (R), having come into the race fairly recently, he knows he must strike a loud chord with voters that shows them exactly what kind of Commander In Chief he’d be, according to Walker 2016 staffers. Said one staffer who spoke to The Political Garbage Chute on the condition of anonymity, “with Trump throwing hay-makers every day the governor knows he has to be even more strident, clearer in his rhetorical tone than any other candidate that he is unafraid to use the great military might of the United States of America wherever and whenever he sees fit, just as the Constitution gives him power to do.”
“I will stop at nothing,” Governor Walker said at a recent campaign rally in Rowing Pines, Iowa, “to prove the American people how much their safety and security means to me. I won’t be apology tourin’ nothin’. I’m gonna bomb stuff and blow stuff up if some fancy-pants Frenchie or Islamic says shit to me about America not being the best damn country around.” Walker told the crowd gathered to see him speak that “only cowards are afraid to perpetuate the cycle of violence that our military industrial complex and Department of Defense has managed to keep us on since the end of the Second World War. But I am not a coward! I come from the Ronald Reagan School of Leading Young People to Die Even Though I Never Put on a Uniform Myself, damnit, and I will war it up with anyone I want, gooder than has ever been done before because I don’t need some high-fallutin’ political scientific degree to know where to aim the nukes.”
During the 15 minute speech he gave in front of a local tire shop, Walker laid out a brief sketch of his foreign policy goals. Calling it a “Return to Our Manifest Destiny,” Walker said Americans must be unafraid to “expand our borders yet again” and to “embrace the notion of empiricism.” Walker said that he is “fully preparationed” for establishing military bases on other continents to “make really good sure” America is safe and secure, including parts of Europe.
“If it means securing peace and American freedom, then I will invade any country — ally, friend, or foe,” Walker said. “Hell,” the Republican continued, “if it meant we could get some kind of resource out of the deal, I’d definitely invade any country. I am prepared to annex Poland on day one,” Walker said.
When asked by reporters after the rally if there are any countries he wouldn’t invade, Walker blew a raspberry with his tongue. “Of course there ain’t. A real president don’t limit his-self from the get-go. I’ll invade any country. Austria, France, Great Britain, parts of North Africa. If there is a threat to our safety — and by threat I mean an existing government we don’t control — I will invade. It’s just that simple.”
“The Netherlands, Luxembourg, Denmark, Yugoslavia and even Greece should not consider themselves un-invadable if you ask me,” Walker told the press. “I mean, they’re always so uppity and snooty with their socialized medicine and better public transportation and educational systems. Is that something America wants, to have to learn from other countries? Or do we want to be the country everyone has to follow or they get invaded? I mean, am I right or am I reich?”
Not wanting to seem weak on foreign policy himself, former Florida Governor Jeb! Bush (R) has also waded into the discussion. “Clearly it’s crazy to suggest invading countries we’re friends with,” Bush told a crowd in Des Moines earlier this week, “but re-invading countries we’ve already fought against isn’t just good foreign policy, it’s good economics. We’ve already been there. Hell, some of our equipment is likely still there, and we’ll even get a chance to fight against it like always if we go back into countries like Iraq or Vietnam.”
Bush said that he will also “send a letter to the Iranian government” that “spells out very clearly how much of a bunch of poopy heads I think they are.” Bush was also quick to say that he can’t comment on every single war he’ll start or not start because he hasn’t picked his Vice-President yet, and “it’s a long standing tradition to let your VP pick your battles for you,” Jeb said.