Satan Demands Refund for Trump Spokesperson’s Soul

Even Satan doesn't want to claim Katrina Pierson.

The Prince of Darkness is desperately trying to annul an agreement in which he gained possession of the eternal soul of the woman who has served as the spokesperson for Donald Trump’s presidential campaign since November 2015.

Lucifer, also known as the devil, claims he “had no idea what [he] was getting into” when he signed a standard soul-for-political-relevance contract with Katrina Pierson less than two years earlier.

“I took her for a run-of-the-mill tea party type, an overly ambitious political newbie who had just lost a congressional race against a sitting Republican after she had been active in politics for only five years,” Mephistopheles recalled, referencing Pierson’s 2014 primary loss to Rep. Pete Sessions, of Texas. “Boy, did I misjudge her. I guess that’s what I get for ragging on McCain for picking Palin in 2008.”

Apollyon said he approached Pierson days after her landslide loss to Sessions and promised to make her a major player in politics in exchange for her eternal soul. He said she agreed, and within a year, she met Donald Trump, who would later hire her to be his campaign’s most visible agent.

Now, however, Diabolus is demanding an annulment to the contract, claiming he was duped by her disarming looks and unassuming, poverty-stricken background.

“I thought I was getting the soul of a good-looking girl who grew up poor and wanted to be a big-time politico,” Beelzebub insisted. “She may be half-black, but her heart is darker than mine. She scares the hell out of me.”

He added, “I was deceived, and I demand a full refund. I’ll rescind ownership of her soul if she gives me back the infinitesimal shred of faith in humanity I had before she became Trump’s spokesperson.”

Satan said he became interested in owning Pierson’s soul not only because he perceived her as vulnerable to his wiles but also because he thought she’d “be fun to have around” in the underworld.

“I have a thing for cute bad girls. They make eternity more bearable,” Lucifer explained. “And I knew about Katrina’s criminal history as a shoplifter in her younger days. I figured she was just another somewhat-naughty hottie going through a political activism phase. Now I’m seriously worried she’ll try to take over hell.”

Lucifer said Pierson’s isn’t the only soul of a Trump operative he regrets dealing for.

“I’m still trying to figure out how not to have Roger Stone around til the end of time,” the Prince of Darkness bemoaned. “I mean, I’m all for starting wars, assassinating leaders, and ushering in the end of humanity, but that guy gives me the creeps. Even I have standards.”

Republished from The Red Shtick.

Written By
More from Jeremy White