THOMAS HOLLOW, VIRGINIA — Will she or won’t she? Ever since Half-Term Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was thrust upon the American political landscape by elder statesman and America’s Top War Monger Senator John McCain (R-AZ) as his 2008 Vice-Presidential nominee, the Alaskan School of Diplomacy Through Your Backyard alum has been teasing the nation’s conservative voters with a presidential bid of her own. In 2011, she started touring the country in a bus emblazoned with her visage and name, but never quite got into the race. But will 2016 be the year she finally throws her hat into the ring — facing off against other candidates like Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, and Ted Cruz?
If you ask Sarah or her staff, the answer is, “Maybe, probably, LOL, who knows, Obama’s just a socialist and Hillary’s even worse, Go America!” Roughly translated, the answer as gleaned by folks on the Hill is that we just don’t know yet. But at a recent book signing and prayer breakfast held at Thomas Hollow Rock of Christ Church in Thomas Hollow, Virginia, Palin certainly hinted that a run of her own is not out of the question.
“You know, Thomas Jefferson had a dream once, and he chopped down a cherry tree to make the paper onto which the Constitution was written, well the pages that weren’t directly taken from The Holy Bible of Course,” Palin told the congregation her version of the Founding story of the United States. “And then, when when the time was just right, he drafted the Declaratory Letter of Independent Freedom from Britain Document — the one we all celebrate on June 4th? — and the America we know and love today was born, right there and then. The time was right, folks,” Palin told the crowd. “I believe the time may be right for something else too. The time is right, and Americans are just dumb enough to elect me,” the Alaskan Republican said. “So maybe I’ll run this time, and not just hoover up money like it’s going out of style, with no intention of doing anything but living off those donations under the guise of running my SuperPAC!”
Palin took the next fifteen minutes laying out all the reasons she feels Americans are “dumb enough” to vote for her. “97 percent of the world’s scientists agree that climate change is real and that mankind is speeding up its disastrous effects, but close to half the country thinks that’s liberal propaganda, and that’s proof Americans are dumb enough to elect Sarah Palin,” exclaimed Sarah Palin. “Every day we hear reports of unarmed black men being gunned down by police in such short periods of confrontation that there is no possible way that due process was served, and this should alarm everyone of every skin color because due process is supposed to be equal, and if one person is extrajudiciously executed by a cop, it’s a failure of our system, much less hundreds…and yet, half the country thinks it’s the fault of the victim of the police brutality, not the perpetrator of it. Therefore, people are stupid enough to vote for Sarah Palin!”
“The War on Drugs is an abysmal failure from all angles, yet close to half the country still thinks being ‘tough on crime’ means putting non-violent drug offenders away for life, therefore Americans are dumb enough to vote for Sarah Palin,” Sarah Palin continued. “Every day you read about a gun owner leaving their guns out in the open and a toddler kills his brother, sister, or friend. You hear about people getting into gun battles with each other and with police officers. You see now at least a handful of times a year where some off-balance person takes a gun into a school and kills students and faculty. Yet half the country still thinks the idea of letting everyone and anyone have a gun with as minimal a background check and impediment to that gun purchase as possible are the ways that smart people live their lives. So again, yes, Americans are just stupid enough to vote for Sarah Palin!”
Palin was winding down her speech at this point. “So, listen, y’all, I think I can do it this time. I really do,” Palin told the churchgoers. “I think clearly there are plenty of people dumb enough to think I’m someone to be trusted with a remote control, let alone the nuclear launch codes, to catapult me into the White House,” Palin said. “I mean, I’m probably not going to do it, guys. But I probably could. So just keep sending me the money on the off chance I finally put your money where my enormous mouth is. Thanks to Citizens United, I could be gravy training your asses until I am dead and buried.
God Bless America, and most importantly, God Bless Sarah Palin,” Sarah Palin exclaimed as she left the dais, got into her bus, and drove away.