Rick Santorum Worried All the Focus on Mexicans Not Leaving Enough Hate for Gays

Rick Santorum doesn't want American conservatives to lose track of one of their non-Mexican boogeymen.

GLEN IVY SPRINGS, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Being worried about the impending destruction of humanity is nothing new to Rick Santorum, evangelical Christian and 2016 Republican presidential candidate. Polling toward the bottom of the roughly 25-50 officially declared Republican candidates, Santorum is now worried about something else, according to his aides, and it has everything to do with Donald Trump making the issue of immigration, and particularly how it relates to Mexico and Mexican people, and he’s not quite sure what to do about it.

“I’m just really worried about all this focus on Mexicans and Mexico. How much room for hating the gays will Republican voters have if they’re exhausted from hating Mexicans and other immigrants,” Santorum said at a recent press conference held at a Chik-Fil-A in New Hampshire. Santorum is on the campaign trail, though he admitted one night last week to a group of reporters that had found him coming out of a late night showing of “Magic Mike XXL” that he “look[s] at the polls and the size of [his] crowd” and he “wonders why [he] bothers.”

Santorum told the media that he’s worried about all the focus on undocumented immigration because all the focus is being funneled to demagoguing Mexicans instead of more traditionally GOP-despised groups, like the LGBT community. “Hating, disenfranchising, abusing and oppressing gay people,” Santorum told reporters,  “was a rock-solid pillar of our Republican institution for years, and now one blowhard reality TV star comes on the scene and we have to stop focusing on that and start focusing on disenfranchising, abusing, and oppressing another group?”

The former Pennsylvania Senator is also worried, he says, about whether his party’s base can split their hatred focus between too many groups, arguing that, “We’re Republicans; we can’t focus on too many things at once! Why do you think three years later we’re still talking about Benghazi and we’re still trying to repeal Obamacare five years later? We don’t focus on anything but one, maybe two issues at a time, three if you count abortion, but that’s it. Gays, abortions and Obamacare — that’s the triumvirate of Republican ideology that Trump is steering us far, far away from.”

“Just because the Supreme Court says we have to stop pretending we live in the 1950’s,” Santorum said, “that doesn’t mean we actually have to. I mean, look at abortion rights. The courts made a reasoned decision that took into account the medical viability of a developing life form and marked that as the point for which abortion should be illegal — a compromise that most reasonable people understand — and we religious conservatives have rabidly fought against that for forty years. So we need to fight against treating LGBT people like regular humans just as voraciously.”

Santorum cautioned voters during the press conference not to think he was “soft on illegals,” either. “Don’t get me wrong, as a hypocritical Christian, I have zero problem advocating throwing people who came here just for a better life, to escape poverty and corruption back to the wolves. I have no problem with treating immigrants like criminals, no matter how much the religious texts I profess to follow tell me to do otherwise. If I were president, I would ride up on a horse like George Washington and personally kick every Mexican out if they couldn’t recite the Pledge of Allegiance, in perfect English. But I just want us to focus first on crushing the onslaught of gay people demanding fair and equal treatment under the law — as if that’s a thing we care about in this country — first.”