Rick Santorum Vows to ‘Continue Pretending We Live In 1815’ If Supreme Court Okays Gay Marriage

Paul Nigh's 'TeamTimeCar.com' Back to the Future DeLorean Time Machine
Rick Santorum pledges to fight modernity with full force if its foisted upon him.

Ft. Pole Lach, Georgia — There are now only a matter of days left before The Supreme Court of the United States of America weighs in on a handful of appeals that could effectively establish marriage as a human right, thereby making it unconstitutional for any state government to forbid two people — even of the same sex — from marrying. Stubborn social conservative — and one of 357 Republican candidates for president — Rick Santorum recently told NBC’s Chuck Todd on “Meet the Press” that even should the Supreme Court decide in favor of marriage equality that he would “fight it” because according to Santorum, the country is “not bound by what nine people say in perpetuity.”

Santorum, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX), former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, and Dr. Ben Carson are all seemingly vying for the votes of the nation’s most stalwart of socially conservative, Evangelical Christian wing of their party. At a campaign stop early Monday morning, Santorum doubled-down on the anti-LGBT rhetoric, hoping to catapult himself to the top of the heap of socially conservative candidates. “Yes, of course I will fight the Supreme Court tooth and nail should they make the utterly horrendous decision to bring our country into 2015, whether we scared and archaic relics want to or not,” Santorum told the assembled crowd at the Christian book store he was holding his rally at.

“For far too long, the left-wing liberals in this country have insisted that gay marriage will do no harm to society, and in fact could provide even more stable homes in which to raise families,” the former Pennsylvania senator said. “But you know, look at Massachusetts. They legalized gay marriage over 10 years ago. And did anyone happen to see what happened at the Boston Marathon in 2013? That’s right, it was bombed by Islamic radicals. Now, I ask you, do you really think it’s a coincidence that they let the gays feel comfortable enough to live like humans and then almost immediately after — plus almost a decade — they were attacked by non-Christian fundamentalists,” asked Santorum rhetorically.

The Republican contender told the crowd that “they can tell you to live in the present all you want” but that “no one can force you to live in reality” and “no one can tell you that the sky is blue if you truly believe with religious sincerity that it’s purple with green polka dots.” Santorum went on to tell his audience that “stubbornly refusing to live in the now while being openly bitter and hostile to the minority groups that are demanding equal treatment is an American rite of passage dating back to the days of slavery.”

“I promise you this, my fellow red-blooded, Christ Worshiping, ammo-hoarding, gay hating Americans — I will continue pretending to live in 1815, no matter what the Supreme Court says,” Santorum yelled into the microphone, “and I hope you all will come with me too!” Santorum said that “no American can be forced by the big hand of big government to take a step outside and truly understand what time period they live in” and that in his view, “the Supreme Court should never have even weighed in on segregation” because “even though I’m not racist, I totally understand the need to let racists be racists against other races because it’s up to the downtrodden, almost powerless oppressed people to get enough votes to claim their civil liberties.”

Santorum told the crowd that “it’s time we send a clear message to Washington,” and that message, according to Santorum is “that we don’t care how many smartphones we have, we will not be forced into modernity.”

After the press conference, Santorum was peppered with questions from various media outlets. Asked why he thinks that in this day and age with so many other important issues — like climate change, the dying off of the middle class, and our seemingly endless machine of wars in other parts of the world — people should be focusing on the culture wars. “Spoken like a true liberal progressive, trying to distract me from the really important stuff with issues that impact literally millions and millions of people,” answered Santorum.

When asked if he thinks one of his children, should they turn out to be LGBT, should be kept from enjoying the parts of life that make it most fulfilling — like love and partnership — simply for being LGBT, Santorum blew a raspberry into the microphone and retorted, “Sure, typical lamebrained liberal media pig trying to get me to ‘feel sympathy’ for someone by ‘personalizing’ the question. Let me tell you something, missy,” Santorum told the male reporter who was over six-feet tall and weighed over 250 pounds, “none of my kids are going to be gays. We have had that talk. We have it early in the Santorum house. We have two rules that everyone must follow. One — socks go in the upper right-hand drawer of your dresser. This is just good common sense. And two — no being gay. If you even think you’re gay, you lock yourself up in your room, you turn out all the lights, put on some industrial house music, surf on over to Grinding-On-Junk dot com, and you pull out all those gay feelings right from the bottom of your feet to the tip…of your soul. Like I do. All the time. Let me repeat: Like I do. All. The. Time.”

Santorum bade the reporters farewell then slipped and slid off to the next campaign stop.

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