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Published on February 24th, 2012 | by James Schlarmann

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Rick Santorum — Every Liberal’s Choice For the GOP Nod


Take note, the following is written without a tinge of irony:

I genuinely hope Rick Santorum wins the Republican nomination for the President in 2012. I pray to all that is Holy that the race comes down to Santorum and President Obama. Nothing would make me tingle way down deep in the deepest part of my balls than to see this happen. If you’re a Liberal/Progressive/Whatever Fucking Stupid Title Is Being Given to Us Now, you should feel the same way.

Listen, I’m not advocating that the man with more sexual issues than Penthouse Magazine actually become the leader of the free world. Jesus Christ Almighty save us from that fate. But what I am advocating is that the GOP just go ahead and prop up Rick in front of Barack and let the sparks fly.

Just stop and think for a moment. Perhaps now is the time to once again beat back the sycophantic and arcane ways of the more zealous modern day Evangelical Right Wing of the Republican Party. I’m not one who thinks the GOP is totally devoid of any reasonable, sane, and decent people who would make fine candidates, and perhaps even presidents. I am convinced though that they haven’t offered any of those people up for this election.

One thing is clear, Rick Santorum represents what happens when human evolution doesn’t full take hold. The thing about Santorum is that he makes it impossible to discuss his campaign without discussing his religion. This sets him apart from so many other politicians, from Reagan to Clinton to Obama. No doubt there have been many who have held our country’s highest office who have claimed a religious belief, but so few have been so bold as to state those religious dogmatic principles as being the tenements on which our nation’s new direction should be built.

Maybe the only way to really beat back the hounds of homophobia is take down one of their loudest barkers. If we Liberals really want to see forward progress in the realm of human rights and marriage equality for all, we need to take the risk and put up our guy against the leader of the Ignorance Wing of the Republican party.

Any rational, logically thinking human being should view Santorum’s views on sexual politics as disturbing at best and alarmingly arcane with great potential for social injustice at worst. We have to bank on the fact that once people see just how batshit crazy he is, they’ll have no choice but to vote for Obama, or at the very least Republicans with compassion and a sense of equality will have to stay home on election day.

Let’s put it another way: The Death Star would never have been blown up if the Rebels hadn’t taken the chance that the torpedo could fit down the exhaust port and set off the chain reaction. Charlie would never have been given the chocolate factory from Willy Wonka if he hadn’t bought that Wonka Bar with the Golden Ticket in it. Sharon Stone would have never shown the world her vagina if she hadn’t made the bold choice to skip the panties that day of shooting.

Do you see what I’m saying, folks? We as Liberals, the shepherds of real change in the nation, have to pray for the showdown of ideals that would be Obama vs. Santorum. The debates would be epic slug-fests, exposing Santorum for the absolute nutbar and bigot that he is.

Of course, that soft underbelly is precisely the reason why Mitt “The Robot” Romney will very likely still be the candidate for the GOP this year. It’s hard to imagine the Republican Party wants to be shellacked that badly. They already know, looking at the economic indicators that they can’t win on that front, hence the Sexual Hail Mary they’re throwing with contraceptives and gay marriage.

No matter who they put up, they will lose this coming November. The question is only now how badly will that defeat be. This is why it’s a pivotal time for the nation, and we must all hope that Santorum gets the nod and ultimately his Old Fashioned, Old Testament ass handed to him, Obama style.

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About the Author

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a left-leaning satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.



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