What do you get for the man who has everything?
No, really, I’m asking you because I’m curious what you’re going to get me for Christmas. Because I was walking around my La Jolla house after I got back from our house in Boston after the election, and I took an inventory. It turns out I actually own two of everything in the world ever. I have two Franklin Mint Wizard of Oz plate sets. I have two complete box sets of “Friends” on DVD. I even have two copies of the Dead Sea Scrolls. I’m not sure how I managed that, but when you’re really rich, things kind of just happen for you sometimes.
Anyway, since I know that I have two of everything now, I decided I’d take this opportunity to make you an offer. I know you’re used to people asking for things from you, and like any good progressive you keep giving your free gifts to your constituents. But I think my business partners and I can really do wonders for your whole operation. I’ve taken the liberty of attaching a PowerPoint I had Tagg work up for me (I don’t quite understand how computers work, but I’m told the kids these days are really doing neat things with them), which lays out some key components of what I’m prepared to offer you, which is to buy you out and let you retire.
We’ll replace with you one of my other business colleagues, someone with tons of experience running multinational corporations, but now we’re going to look for ways to maximize profit. We’d of course give you a ten or fifteen percent interest in the company. You of course would not have a controlling interest in the company per se, but your counsel and advice would be sought as much as possible. Or at least as much as our other stock holders will allow.
Below are just a few of the key components of Santa Corp, a subsidy of Mormons, Inc. (our church’s official title):
- Upon your deaths, you and Mrs. Claus will be re-baptized as Mormons
- Outsource the production of all toys and gifts to China or another country sympathetic to our profit margins. Your elves’ union insisting on overtime pay, holiday and weekend pay and clearly marked fire exits just is not conducive to business in the 21st Century.
- Delivery of all presents will be handled by a courier company also owned by Santa Corp, allowing us to employ a fleet of low-wage delivery drivers. We’ll make them use their own cars, and of course we’ll make sure their hours are low enough to not have to provide them healthcare. We got this idea from Papa John’s, my favorite pizza parlor.
- One of our biggest shareholders will be various coal company CEOs, so we’ve made a concession to them in regards to stockings. Now, good children will get a lump of coal in their stocking with a note attached that says “Solar power is for dirty hippie moochers.” What a win-win, huh?
- Implement a new system for toys wherein children must provide proof of gainful employment, plus submit to a drug screening before they are entitled to any toys
- Phase out all toy giving by 2014 and replace it with a coupon book that will allow each child to choose one gift from the Mormon Tabernacle gift shop in Salt Lake City, Utah
Please let us know as soon as possible if this proposal interests you. Although, I feel I should warn you that we’ve been buying up stock in your company for quite some time and at your next shareholder meeting I plan to propose a leveraged buyout. So it’s either agree now, or be forced to agree later.
The Warmest of Bah Humbugs,
Willard “Mitt” Scrooge Romney