November 5th, 2012
I’m writing you today, on the eve of what will surely be my greatest day ever, to inform you that the United States will no longer be in need of your services after January of 2013. You see, when Mitt Romney and I become President and Co-President, we’re going to be drastically changing things around here. Frankly Mr. Claus, we just don’t think you’re a good fit for the new, Christian/Mormon (but really just Christian) America.
Santa, America needs to return to its Christian roots in the worst way. We need to reclaim our natural domain over the vaginae of our land. We need to ensure that gay people at the very least go back to the closet, but we certainly can’t have them thinking they can get married here just because they’re technically human beings too. We need to make sure rich people are taken care of because they’re the most highly regarded and loved of all God’s children. In fact, we’re pretty sure that God only cares about rich people.
But enough about what gives me massive anger-rections (those are what I call the boners I get when I think about killing Medicare or forcing rape victims to have their rapists babies). Frankly Santa, it’s just time for you to go. If this country is ever going to get back on track, we simply have to ignore all temptation. Christmas under your guidance has become a wasteland of toys, commercials and almost no mention of Jesus. We have to fix that, because as you know, without Jesus there are morals. And without morals there is crime and poverty.
The bottom line is that we don’t have time for fantasy characters that are portrayed in a myriad of ways across cultures, spreading hopey-changey cheer, goodwill to men and a giving spirit when we should be focusing all our energy on Jesus Christ, the one true son of the one and only God. And to quote my great friend Donald Trump, “You’re fired.”
Soon-To-Be-Co-President Elect Paul Ryan