Republican Letters To Santa Claus: John McCain


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Dear Santa Claus,

I know that you and I haven’t always seen eye to eye. At least not since eighth grade when Mrs. Claus chose you over me. But life goes on, and I think I’ve done pretty good myself. I hope this year finds you in good spirits. I must admit my own are quite low. We lost a whole lot of elections despite spending a whole lot of money. Everyone in the Republican party is searching for answers as to what’s wrong with this country. I think I may have the answer to that question: You. You’re what’s wrong with America.

You see, Mr. Kringle, you’ve spent your entire life subverting our American children with your own form of Red Communism. Your suit s even red for goodness sake! You fly around in your sleigh that’s not run on good, clean, American petroleum, but some crazy green technology that utilizes animals and Christmas Spirit. Nothing says hippie leftist like that. Except maybe the fact that while you’re flying around in your magical Prius in the sky, you fly all around the world giving toys to kids.

You don’t make the kids earn the toys. You just give them toys. Your only qualifying metric for whether a kid gets a toy is whether they’re naughty or nice. These kids who take your toys are just getting accustomed to the Taker Lifestyle, as I like to call it. You should be running credit checks and doing drug tests on all of these kids, if you ask me. Further, Santa, we simply must talk about this business of yours of flying to every country, regardless of whether America likes them. 

You may not realize this Santa, but we are under constant threat. All the time. You of all people should know since we now have to cavity search you and put you through a TSA groping security checkpoint when you come into and out of the country. We are at war, all the time. Or at least we would be if I had my way. Which brings me to my wish list, Santa. I know you can’t give me everything on this list, but one or two would be really great. Thanks again, old friend. The wife and I will be up sometime in the summer to spend some time with Bertha, the elves, and you. 

  1. War with Iran
  2. War with Syria
  3. War with Iraq (Why not again?)
  4. War with Canada (Why are they so European?)
  5. War with China
  6. War with England (Just to remind them of 1776…man that was a great year, wasn’t it?)
  7. A time machine and a ball gag…for a friend.

Yours Truly,

Senator John McCain

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