APACHE TEARS, TEXAS — If a bill that is rumored to be making its way to the Texas State House of Representatives’ floor by way of its Republican majority caucus is signed into law, it would impose a fine on any doctor who encourages his or her patients to give their children what are being dubbed in the bill as “ObamaVaxx” shots.
“Do they force you to vaccinate your kids in Kenya?” This was how Delbert Zilotis, a Republican official in Apache Tears, Texas started a recent press conference held in front of a Whataburger that former-President George W. Bush liked to visit on his way down to his ranch in Crawford. The 58-year-old graduate of The Sam Houston Law and Bible Study College of Ft. Crocket answered his own rhetorical question with, “They must, because that is the only reason I can understand why that socialist usurper in the gosh-danged White House would open his mouth up about our constitutional right to deny our children access to modern medical treatments that prevent horrible, plague-like diseases from-a-spreadin’!”
Zilotis was referring to comments that President Barack H. Obama recently made on the subject of whether parents should vaccinate their children. A recent outbreak of measles with Disneyland as its epicenter has touched-off a fiery debate that had been smoldering among the American consciousness and political debate spectrum, and Zilotis says, “Republicans know choice is all that matters in this world, unless of course you’re a rape or incest victim or other type of female of course, and that’s why the GOP here in Texas is taking its cues from that big-hearted Republican teddy bear Chris Christie, but we’re taking it one step further.”
Anonymous sources that might be close to Zilotis’s office confirmed that he was referring to The Anti-ObamaVaxx Federal Forced Medical Procedure Nullification and Repeal Act (Amen) of 2015. The law, they say, is intended to two things. First, it would make any future Federal law requiring parents to get vaccinations — especially if those vaccinations are provided free of charge due to Texas’ standing We Ain’t No Commies Act of 1958 which expressly forbids taking Federal funds for anything outside of subsidizing the barbecue and lethal injection drug industries of the state — null and void. The second purpose would be a disincentive for doctors’ desire to give their parents of their patients scientifically and medically sound advice. They claim that Zilotis plans to persuade Republicans in the State House to bring the bill up to vote sometime in the next two to eighty-two weeks.
“Yes, our party is considering asking our caucus to bring to vote some very important legislation that would serve as a crowbar, prying Obama’s dirty, socialist hands off our parents’ throats,” Zilotis continued at the press conference. He wiped his brow with a paper napkin with a big orange “W” on it. “The jackbooted thugs of the Federal government shall not infringe on any Texas parent’s right to keep their kids from being safeguarded against terrible, painful, diseases that if let spread too quickly and uncontrollably could literally wipe all human life from existence. I promise you that much.”
When he began taking questions, a reporter from The Coyote Falls Tribune asked Zilotis if he remembered hearing if Obama’s recent comments inferred any laws should be passed requiring vaccinations, or if he had simply stated a scientifically-sound bit of emphatically-worded advice to parents all over America. “Poppycock, I say, I say, poppycock!” shouted Zilotis back. “If Benghazi proves anything it’s that Obama is a Pro-Alinksy style socialist anti-American who even if he doesn’t say it, you can presume he is in favor of using the guns and black helicopters of his totalitarian regime to enforce to his twisted view of American values.
So yeah, he’d do a law about it for sure, lady.”
Another reporter from The St. Cloud Dispatch and Coupon Clipper asked Zilotis if he believed stated really had the right to nullify Federal law since the Constitution’s Supremacy Clause is well-established case law precedent. “That Tyrant Lincoln never settled nothin’,” was Zilotis’ reply. When asked by the same reporter if he was actually denying the existence of Article VI, Paragraph 2 of The Constitution of the United States of America. To which the Republican said, “The Texas Constitution takes precedent over the U.S. constitution, as does every state constitution.”
The reporter pressed harder, insisting that in fact according to constitutional law the Supremacy Clause in fact trumps even state constitutions, and she showed Zilotis the exact passage and a link to a Google search with well almost a half-million hits for the Supremacy Clause. He took a slight pause and then said, “And I guess that’s Obama’s Internet on your Federal tax-dollar subsidized smart phone telling you all this hogwash? That’s what I thought, next question!”
The last question was from our own reporter who asked Mr. Zilotis if he really felt Obama was overstepping his constitutional authority in simply suggesting parents do everything they can to keep their kids free from horrible diseases. “Sir, this country was founded on the principle that Benjamin Adams McFranklin spoke to during the First Congenital Congress. Liberty or death, sir! And there is no liberty in a Democrat telling you that you have to get your babies stuck with his ObamaVaxx measles to keep them safe from diseases they never got when Bush was in office. Sure they weren’t born yet, but you get what I’m saying, right?