If you’ve lost track of the IRS scandal that Rep. Darrell Issa’s been trying to track down, fear not. Here’s an update — it turns out that not just Tea Party groups were targeted, and more and more evidence is coming to light that progressive groups, like Occupy Wall Street, also got extra scrutiny. Never fear though, Issa has promised swift action, promising to investigate with the same fervor and intensity as to why the IRS was targeting progressive groups that he investigated the targeting of Tea Party groups.
“I promise to engage the Inspector General in another totally one-sided investigation,” Issa said in a statement to the Tea Bagger Times, “but this time we’ll only have him focus on the left-wing groups that were targeted. I find it’s much more cost-effective to spend millions of dollars on separate reports. Also, it’s so much better for each side to have their own cherry-picked information with which to craft political theater from. If I had just told the IG to investigate the targeting story from a completely neutral standpoint, how on Earth would my Republican colleagues have gotten all those sound bites out there about the tyranny of big government and the fact that the IRS certainly can’t be trusted to run Obamacare?”
Issa continued, “Look, sure, I knew about this story last year. Sure, I didn’t think to bring it up or publicize it in a big way during the election. And yes, I’ll admit that makes me look like a total partisan hack douchebag for pursuing with such vim and vigor the narrative that the White House put pressure on the IRS to target Tea Party groups and have all that blow up in my face. But hey, sometimes you just have to burn down a warehouse to get that insurance money, know what I mean? Wait. What?”
“You could probably look at this IRS targeting scandal; line it up with the fact that this year is a really important year, heading into the 2014 mid-terms and with the full-implementation of the Affordable Care Act right around the corner and think this was all politically motivated from the start. You could easily make the determination that the whole time this was just an attempt to put Obamacare further into a negative light and create even more distrust and paranoia among the populace for a health care law that is working fine in Massachusetts where it was first implemented. But hey, what do you expect from a guy that brandished a gun during a confrontation at one of his private businesses? I mean, I’m a thuggish prick, what more do you want from me?
I promise from the bottom of my empty heart that I will find out why these progressive groups were also targeted. I promise to forego sleep, food, drink and douchebag pills — those are special pills that keep my vitamin D and B levels amped-up, allowing me to be the biggest, most incredibly partisan douchebag in Congress — until I figure out why the left-leaning groups were targeted. I plan to launch a full congressional investigation and hold almost as many hearings about this case as I did about Benghazi, Fast & Furious, and that time that Obama farted. We still don’t know why he farted, or what he ate before he did, but we have a crack staff working on it.
Don’t get me wrong — I still believe in my heart that President Obama is the most corrupt person to ever live. I mean, if anyone would know what a corrupt, slimy, arrogant, asshole that only cares about his personal power and wealth looks like — it’d be a guy who sees one in the mirror every morning. I can just sense these things. All I know is that when people think “corruption” they think Darrell Issa. So you tell me who’s got the upper hand there. Anyway, the point is that even though I think Obama is a corrupt Kenyan Socialist and I have no proof to back that up, I’m going to drop all that political theater and lead an open, honest and bipartisan look at why the IRS felt they had to resort to dragnet tactics to keep the glut of 503(c) (4) applications they got in the wake of the Citizens United ruling in check.”
Then Issa suddenly stopped talking, shook his head violently back and forth for about three minutes, made a really weird face, and sneezed out a tiny alien who had been controlling his speech and making him behave honestly. Once he stepped on the tiny alien creature, rolled him up in a tissue and tossed him the trashcan, Issa walked back to the podium, cleared his throat, and said into the microphone, “Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi,” turned around three times and evaporated in a cloud of red smoke and cash.