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Funny Business DANA_ROHRABACHER

Published on August 12th, 2013 | by James Schlarmann

16

Rep. Dana Rohrabacher: “Earth’s Round Shape Totally Bogus”

Speaking at a local Town Hall recently, Rep. Dana Rohrabacher made a splash when told the audience there, “Just so you’ll know, global warming is a total fraud and it’s being designed because what you’ve got is you’ve got liberals who get elected at the local level want state government to do the work and let them make the decisions. Then, at the state level, they want the federal government to do it. And at the federal government, they want to create global government to control all of our lives.”

Finally a Republican has the guts to say what we’ve all been thinking — the mountains of climate science as well as the very obvious anecdotal evidence of out of control wildfire and “historical” level tropical storms happening at least two or three times a year now — are just more liberal big government conspiracies! Forget that we can literally observe our own climate changing. Forget that we can just look at historical climate and temperature patterns over the last hundred years and easily identify alarming trends. Forget even that the polar ice caps are melting at such as a rate as to start impacting the feeding habits of polar bears. It’s all bullshit, and finally Rep. Dana Rohrabacher has the guts to tell us all to ignore our own eyes and ears and just listen to his words. Because he is speaking the truth, and actual scientists are clearly making stuff up.

But if you thought Rohrabacher — who is a member of the House Science Committee — was brave to call global warming the liberal conspiracy that it obviously it is, then you’re going to love what he said when the cameras turned off. “It’s not just global warming that’s total lies by the way, Earth’s round shape? Totally bogus, too,” Rohrabacher said after requesting all recording devices be turned off. Luckily for us, the Chute had someone embedded in the town hall meeting and she kept her pocket recorder going the whole time.

“You see, John F. Kennedy was a democrat. A liberal Democrat at that. His whole “race to the moon” program was just a thinly-veiled attempt by the government to continue the false narrative that the Earth is round.” Rohrbacher then produced a large, flat map of the earth. “You see? We’ve known it forever and ever! Why would cartographers lie about the shape of the Earth? It’s right here, in front of us! The Earth is very clearly a two-dimensional, flat plane. But it doesn’t fit the liberal agenda for there to be actual boundaries on anything, much less the Earth’s land and sea lines, so they all got together a few centuries ago at Barack Obama’s house — he was alive back then because as we all know he’s an evil Communist Kenyan cyborg from the future sent here from George Soros’ clone to kill us all — and they decided to make the Earth round to fit their narrative that there are endless possibilities for everyone and no one should be afraid to challenge the established paradigms of the time.”

The spittle really started to fly at that point as Rohrbacher continued on, “And another thing, everyone keeps telling me the moon is not made of cheese. I call “bullshit” on that. Why? Because I can see the holes on the moon from here. You know what else has holes? Swiss cheese. Ergo: the moon is made of Swiss cheese.” Rohrabacher at that point must have just been “feeling it” because he then uncorked a series of revelations about society as we know it, and it was quite the spectacle to see.

“Taco Bell? That’s actually a fine dining establishment. Wal-Mart is perfect for the middle class because who else can give someone the six jobs they’ll need to make ends meet these days than Wal-Mart? Darth Vader was most definitely not Luke’s father — it was Obi-Wan all along and that’s why Anakin got pissed and tried to kill them both.” At this point, Rohrabacher’s nose started bleeding and smoke was coming out of his ears, but he kept right on going. “The sky is most definitely not blue. It’s blood red, but a liberal conspiracy to make everyone subliminally a blue state thinker is projecting an image of blue over the red. Also, eating cat food can cure AIDS.”

We’re still working on fact-checking everything Rep. Rohrabacher said, but we have no reason to believe that we’ll find very many factual errors with his statements since the first one he made — that global warming is a total fraud and that there is no actual evidence of it — is so obviously based in reality. Oh, not any reality that you, nor I, nor anyone who isn’t completely strung out on meth and freebasing Tang would recognize. But we never said we’d fact-check his statements against the reality that we all know, so we’re sure in Dana Rohrabacher’s scientifically ignorant brain he believes every single word he said is true.

And why shouldn’t we trust Rohrabacher on scientific matters? He’s a life-long politician who has never spent a day in his life doing one bit of scientific research, unless you count dissecting frogs in biology class. Of course he’s totally qualified to tell us what peer-reviewed and accredited scientific study is bogus…he’s a bureaucrat, and no one is more qualified to interpret scientific data than an elected official with a political agenda.

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About the Author

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a left-leaning satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.



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  • Jason Z. Z. Roder

    I dunno man, this satire is entirely too close to reality for comfort. :P

  • John Malcolm

    If it’s not too much to ask, could you please provide references from actual scientific resources in which “actual scientists” actually support the theory of global warming? No MLA or APA is necessary, just the website URLs will suffice. Thank you!
    P.S. The following are URLs I found after a quick Google search as to whether or not global warming exists.
    http://www.cato.org/publications/commentary/globalwarming-myth
    http://web.ebscohost.com/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?sid=3913b6ec-bdb9-44c1-90d4-6a4bfccbaff4%40sessionmgr110&vid=5&hid=127
    http://web.ebscohost.com/ehost/detail?vid=4&sid=3913b6ec-bdb9-44c1-90d4-6a4bfccbaff4%40sessionmgr110&hid=127&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWhvc3QtbGl2ZQ%3d%3d#db=ofs&AN=510860155

    • James Schlarmann

      Oh. Cato. They’re certainly independent and reliable.

      • John Malcolm

        Yes, the first one is rather biased, as is this website. However, the second and third are both taken from scientific journals. I provided the first one merely as a more easy-to-read alternative.

    • Jim Bishop

      John. Put down the crack pipe and audit some actual climatology classes in an accredited university. You can do this!

      • Pat Fallon

        ad hominem, no evidence.

  • dgarkie

    the earth is only “round” along longitudinal lines and only if you include water are longitudinal lines round, if you included the rest of the fluids the longitudinal lines would be in a tear drop shape based on how active the solar winds are and the strength of our magnetic shield from those winds, so no, the earth isnt round like a bouncy ball otherwise spot on “global warming fraud” while there are people who take advantage of a situation and commit fraud, however saying that the tragedy that is global warming is itself fraud is just lunacy

  • PrussianMick

    Hey look, don’t be surprised if this satire piece gets picked up by the GOP and starts getting taken serious and being used as talking points in the 2014 election cycle.

  • https://www.facebook.com/nancy.snead.96 Nancy Snead

    i wish he would..fall off of his flat earth

  • http://dragonsontheouterim.com Robert Carpenter

    Well it wouldn’t surprise me at all that one of them would say this. I once was on a Ferry leaving the Orcas Islands up in Washington State, when a rainbow formed during a rain storm that was in the distance. I had been talking to a couple standing next to me who turned out to be far right Christians. They actually told me with a straight face that rainbows are a miracle created by God after Noah’s flood had ended, and that there were no rainbows on Earth before that, of course i didn’t want to be rude to them and break out in historical laughter right then and there, so I had to walk away quickly.

  • http://dragonsontheouterim.com Robert Carpenter

    John you did a quick google search and of course the results are idiot driven blogs by climate change deniers, I can do a google search too and come up with the same results; that doesn’t mean climate change is a hoax. You didn’t really do any real research on this. Just do some real research and look up the thousands of peer reviewed papers created by actual climate scientist but I would gather you won’t understand any of them, and that you have already made up your mind that those scientists are in on the so called hoax. Bottom line you and your ilk are dangerous human beings who delude them selves into this believe because you are nothing but puppets of fox and the destructive oil oligarchs. Just think of this John Malcolm if we all decide to go to your side and do nothing to stem the tide of insane amounts of pollution in the atmosphere, ground, and water, and you are wrong are you willing to take the blame for the huge loss of life? And if it turns out the climate scientist were wrong we still would have cleaned up our planet and possibly stopped all the other issues that are occurring like the very scary issue of dead zones in the ocean which is 100% caused by humans.
    I have a link here I want you to read it is a very well done article by a great author and a true scientist. I dare you to read what he says, because it is all based on fact. http://www.davidbrin.com/climatechange3.html

  • John Malcolm

    I apologize for the fact that my original post may have been misleading. I did do a Google search which yielded the easy-to-read article from Cato, however the second and third links were to actual, reliable journals. On another note, please do not attack me. Instead of attacking me, one could focus on the issue at hand – saying I am a dangerous human being who will not understand written word may be offensive, but it does not prove any point. Finally, I did appreciate the link you shared about David Brin. His points were very well stated; however, in one particular side note, even Brin noted that “climate modeling is… primitive right now.” Brin stated that it is a complex system which climatologists seek to simplify to human means – a topic mentioned by author and scientist Michael Crichton in his book State of Fear. In State of Fear, a realistic fiction which cites several climate journals, one character describes how humans ultimately end up making complex situations worse by attempting to understand them and manipulate them to the humans’ wills. I won’t continue to describe the points State of Fear makes as the book has already described them well enough; however, the point has been made clear that humans simply don’t know enough about climatology to try to change climate to their will.
    Thanks again,
    JM

    • http://gravatar.com/drkent3 drkent3

      John, you are confusing ‘unintended effects’ with ‘intentional manipulation’. Nobody (well, maybe a few on the fringe) has said that anyone is *trying* to change the climate. And it’s not as if someone said “Hey, let’s start a campaign to convince people that global temperatures are rising. You’ll need to run around the earth with your hair dryers melting all the glaciers and ice packs”. Dude – it is self-evident that global temperatures are rising. Anyone who has made even a modicum of effort can find information on glaciers, the Greenland ice sheet, the Antarctic ice sheet, the Arctic Ocean and any number of actual MEASUREMENTS made over the past 100 years (as well as geological records, ice cores, tree rings, etc. over many thousands of years). What is under debate is just how much of that is caused by human activity – mind you, not evil scientists with their diabolical heat ray – but, you know, typical humans who rarely observe the effects of their behaviors beyond their limited view. Kind of like those people who throw trash out their car windows and claim it’s just ONE piece of trash so it isn’t causing pollution, or poachers that kill for animal parts and claim it’s just ONE animal so it isn’t endangering any species, or maybe those that change their car oil and dump it down the sewer. We could then continue up the chain to include businesses and corporations whose primary objective is profit. I am old enough to remember when we would have smog alerts almost every day in summer in the LA area, and I can remember the Stringfellow Acid Pits debacle and the massive cleanups that resulted. Humans are very, very capable of damaging the environment to such an extent that life is threatened. Really. Rather than relying on blogs you should read actual scientific and historical documents. Really…

  • Pat Fallon

    Even the NY Times admits no global warming in last 15 years, as greenhouse gases have accumulated in the atmosphere at a record pace.

    Even NASA now admits the sun may be forcing climate change more than previously appreciated.

    The climate is always changing, and has been warmer in the past before all of man’s industrial activity. Climate “experts” warned of the coming ice age in the 1970’s. It is often wise to question authority, and to be wary of initiating force. Science is never “done.” As Galileo remarked, “In science, the opinion of thousands is not worth the spark of reason in one man.”

    Pollution that harms should be treated as assault. But I question whether the CO2 produced by human activity is driving climate change and should be considered a harmful pollutant.

    http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/11/science/earth/what-to-make-of-a-climate-change-plateau.html?_r=2&

  • http://gravatar.com/dabronx24 CHUCK G

    They love being on the podium. Im not terribly concerned about what he or others say, it shows how uneducated they are and the uneducated people that vote them in. I’m concerned that there are so many assholes that believe them. What the heck did they learn in school? He and others like him are on the science committee??? They should be thrown off or quit, like Michele Bachmann who sits on the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence and is dropping out of Congress…..Repug intelligence is nothing but an oxymoron with emphasis on “moron”.

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