“How Real Patriots Eat (A Lot Less)” by Congressional Republicans

Congressional Republicans are looking to help a lot of poor Americans lose a ton of weight. By eating a lot less. Because they won't be able to buy food.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Buzz on The Hill indicates that Congressional Republicans are looking to make an impact on the government they now control two-thirds of by way of the food stamp — or Supplemental Nutritional Assistance Program (SNAP) — program. According to multiple sources, House Republicans will begin work next week on the framework of changes to the nation’s food assistance program, all of them aimed at getting more people off assistance, including tightening up the income requirements.

Currently, a family of four making less than $31,000 a year can qualify for assistance, but many Republicans feel that $14.90 an hour for a single earner is more than enough to pay rent or a mortgage, clothe, and feed a family of four. “Look,” said Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), “we all manage to get by on what we make, and it’s only about four or five times that $31,000 number.” Ryan said, “American families just need to look inward, pull themselves up by their boot straps, and remember to send in their tax returns on time so that the rest of us in Congress don’t have to go on food stamps too.”

Republican leadership knows, however, that any time they argue in favor of cutting the little help the working poor and poverty stricken in this country get, they are going to look inhumane, especially as they cash their government checks and go on government-funded trips to raise even more funds from campaign donors, so they’ve put together an op-ed they intend to run in newspapers all over the country starting sometime in the coming weeks.

The essay was written by several prominent Republicans including Ryan, Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) and Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT).

How Real Patriots Eat (A Lot Less)
by Congressional Republicans

A hungry patriot might be tempted to help feed himself, his spousal unit and his offspring by any means necessary, including taking free money from his fellow American Patriots. But a true, red-blooded, real patriot would never ask for a hand-out when he could simply bend over. Because when a true, American patriot bends over, he does it for the good every man, woman, and child in the One Percent. For it’s when a real patriot bends over that he finds the greatest gift American God has given us — our boot straps.

We ask you, who needs hot dogs and mac ‘n’ cheese when you can just tug extremely hard on those boot straps? Why buy cheap chicken, pork, or steaks with a little bit of help from your fellow Americans when you can simply bend over, grab a strap and pull? After all, every dime you take in food assistance is a dime you just took out of the pocket of your fellow Americans, or worse, a job creator! Without job creators, there is no America to speak of!

Yes, we realize that setting the bar below $14 an hour for qualification will leave many families wondering where their next meal will come from. We must again recommend to all these families that they bend over for us, for the sake of all Americans. Bend over and grab those boot straps. You’d be amazed how much weight they can carry. And if pulling on your boot straps doesn’t immediately solve all your problems, it’s probably all your fault, moocher.

But don’t despair, Taker! If your boot straps won’t magically get you enough money to comfortably pay all your bills and feed your kids, you can always do what every true, Red-White-and-Blue clothed patriot does when they run short on cash — take out a super-high interest pay day loan against the car you need to get to your shitty job that doesn’t pay you enough to keep you off of food stamps in the first place. And if you can’t find one of these high-interest loans, you’re not out of options!

Did you know there is no law currently on the books that tells you how many jobs you can get? Until the Obama administration gets its socialist hands on our country’s economy, you can get two, three, four, even ten jobs if you want! Who needs to see your kids or spend time with your family? Get out there, get another five jobs, and stop expecting someone else to lend you a hand!

Was it not Jesus Christ, official deity of The United States, who said, “It is far easier for a rich man to buy the power and influence over his government he needs in order to convince the working man he is lame for wanting help feeding his family, and thus so shall it be” in the Bible times? Of course he did. We wouldn’t lie to you. So if the actual, literal, totally proven son of God says that rich people shouldn’t be expected to help the least among them, who are you to say otherwise, Hippie?

We Republicans have done the research, and it turns out you don’t need more than a couple hundred calories a day to survive. Are you willing to risk destroying our capitalist, free market society over a matter of a few hundred calories? Is your child not going to bed hungry despite your working of over 60 hours a week worth handing over the keys to our democracy to a Communist-Kenyan-Socialist-Sharia-Loving-Democrat? So suck it up, Buttercup, and get off your butts!

It’s time to have an adult conversation. America needs you to eat less, Poors. That’s the bottom line. Sure, it’s probably going to feel really insulting watching all the rich people literally get fatter while you are all starving, but do we really have to remind you again what the alternative is? It’s death panels, lines around the block for bread, and another four years of a Democrat — this time maybe a woman (God forbid!) — in the White House. 

Do the right thing, fellow Americans, and eat less. Any time you feel hungry, just swallow some air, or maybe walk by a dumpster. The smell should ruin your appetite for at least another fifteen or twenty minutes. Exercise the self-control that none of us have to. For the good of the land, of course.

In closing, remember that the boot straps you have are magical. They will make everything better, and you need to only pull them to make your life instantaneously better. If that doesn’t work, simply go down to the local Jobs Store and pick yourself up one of the millions of jobs that are just sitting there waiting to be taken with just a tiny bit of work on your part. 

Oh, and before we forget: Benghazi.

God Bless America! God Bless the Free Markets! And God Bless the Republican Party!

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