LOUISVILLE, KY — Senator Doctor Rand Paul announced his candidacy for President of the United States of America on Tuesday by releasing a 21st century styled YouTube video and holding a rally in his home state in Kentucky. After giving a brief speech, the Republican hopeful took time to speak to reporters who were covering his announcement and first official campaign speech.
“Basically,” Rand told the media, “I’m here to prove that this Republican clown car isn’t full until the head clown hops in, and guess what? I’m that head clown!” Reporters asked Rand why he was willing to categorize himself as a clown, and wondered if he didn’t think that made him a candidate that the American voters might have a hard time taking seriously. “I think it’s just time to be honest with the American people,” Paul told the reporters, “I mean, how can I get caught plagiarizing, hire known white supremacists for previous campaigns, and have wildly inconsistent views on foreign policy, the war on drugs, and the economy that shift whenever I need to suck-up to the Republican establishment and not be considered a clown by the American people?”
The coal state conservative told members of the press that he “look[s] forward to the time-honored tradition of Republicans saying the most outlandish, extreme, hard-right tinged rhetoric imaginable in the primaries only to turn around and try to look like a big tent Lincoln Republican in the general election” and that he is confident he can win his party’s nomination because “clearly it’s a shit show anyway” and he’s “gone at least three weeks without saying something stupid like I wasn’t sure that parents should be required to vaccinate their children if there aren’t any known allergy issues with the child.”
One reporter from The Dallas Morning Coupon Book and Gazette asked Paul how he could see himself running a government that at many times he has made seem unnecessary or even detrimental to Americans’ lives. “Because I plan to be a president in the grandest of Republican traditions,” Paul answered and continued, “by ignoring all the rock-rib conservative mantras about small government once I get into office.” Paul said he “admire[s] how Reagan tripled the deficit and raised taxes on more than one occasion but without Republican voters ever realizing it or admitting it” and that he was depending on those same “steadfast, partisan blind voters” to ignore the fact that he’s a “guy who likes to talk a big game about the evils of government that wants to be the single-most powerful person in it.”
“Here’s the deal,” Rand told reporters as he was wrapping up the ad hoc press conference, “whether I win, lose, or flame out after divulging some whackadoo, Alex Jones inspired bullshit in a primary debate, I’m still going to get a butt load of cash from Super PACs.” Paul smiled as he continued, “Then, I can use that money to continue a life-long presidential campaign, living for free off of other people’s money and pretending as if them giving me that money doesn’t entitle them to access to me that others don’t get. It’s exactly as the founders have intended it to be.
A government of the money, for the money and by the money.” Paul then waited quietly for a few minutes. An extremely small car pulled up, opened its doors and Donald Trump, Carly Fiorina, Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, and Dr. Ben Carson got out to let him in. Dr. Senator Paul was seen heavily slathering white pancake makeup all over his face as Rubio helped him paint giant, red eyebrows over his real eyebrows while the car sped off, circus music blasting out of the giant speaker strapped to the car’s roof like out of a Muppet movie.