MOSCOW, RUSSIA — The sound of anger filled the hallways of The Kremlin this morning as American President Vladimir Putin struggled to find a piece of paper — the piece of paper in question, his receipt for buying Donald Trump.
A senior Kremlin official speaking on the condition of anonymity as they’re not authorised to speak on the subject, told our political editor this morning that Mr. Putin has grown increasingly frustrated with the quality of his purchase since Trump’s inauguration on January 20th this year.
Quoting the Russian leader, the source told us, “That orange baboon’s approval ratings are far too low for our liking. When I bought Trump and vowed to ensure he would win the 2016 election, I was told that he would be able to remain as President for 8 full years — after all, there is a lot that we wanted to achieve with America. The problem is that Donald Trump is now so unpopular that not even we will be able to rig the 2020 election enough for him to be elected for a second term.”
This morning’s frustration is believed to be around the need for Mr Putin to provide the original receipt in order to return Mr. Trump to the place that he bought it from, believed to be R.Murdoch inc. and swap him in for a different model.
Our source added that that earlier today he was called into Putin’s lounge in order to help him look down the back of the couch for it.
Today’s reports help to explain an incident earlier this week in which a number of people in the Russian capital reported seeing Mr Putin shouting out of a Kremlin window, “Why didn’t I go for the Hannity model, or the Moore model. The Moore model can be a pedophile and still achieve 45%+ in the polls.”