NEW YORK, NEW YORK — President-Elect Donald J. Trump has been quickly trying to get his transition team and administration in place since his historic upset victory over Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential election. Though people like Senator Bernie Sanders have been critical of Trump’s picks so far, Trump told reporters this morning those criticisms are “all totally weak, off base, and wrong, wrong, wrong.”
Instead, Mr. Trump claims the selections he’s made so far have already fulfilled a key campaign promise he made to his supporters to “drain the swamp” in Washington, D.C.
“I heard the people. The people? I heard them,” Trump told the press outside his Trump Tower home, continuing, “They were talking to me, as of course they should because I can fix their problems. Really only I can. But anyway, I heard them. And they said to me to drain the swamp. So I did just that. I hooked up a sewage line from the swamp right into to my administration and drained it. You’re totally welcome, America. No need to thank me. Not taking the presidential salary, and still drains the swamp? Wow, very good president there. Very good president. Man of the people.”
Vice president-elect Mike Pence may not agree with his boss, however. The Wall Street Journal reported just hours ago that Pence had removed all lobbyists from the transition team. However, that still leaves several key members of the Republican establishment that Trump also claimed were part of the swamp that needed to be drained in our nation’s capital. President-elect Trump explained that away by telling reporters they and the American people — including his supporters — may not have truly understood what he meant by “drain the swamp.”
“Maybe what I meant all along,” Trump suggested, “was that I’d make the swamp great again. That’s probably what I meant, now that I’m thinking about what I said more. Yeah, I meant that I was going to make the swamp great again by draining them all into my cabinet. You know, these campaigns are hard things. Very hard. Very tough. You need to have incredible stamina and be in the best- ”
At that moment Trump belched and farted simultaneously and nearly toppled over, finishing his previous sentence as he did, “…physical condition of your life.” He patted his belly and ran his diminutive hands through the rough approximation of hair on his head.
“Anyway,” Trump said, “what was I saying? I can’t remember. That’s funny. Isn’t that funny to you? It’s tremendously funny to me. I’m going to be the most powerful man in the free world and I can’t stay on topic in this, or any other press conference or speech I’ve given. Too funny. Too, too funny. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m feeling a little randy since my win last week. Winning makes me really horny. Someone get Ivanka on the phone…no reason.”
Current vote counts show that more Americans chose Hillary Clinton as their president by a margin of nearly a million votes nationwide. More Americans voted against Trump — when Clinton’s totals are added to Gary Johnson’s and Jill Stein’s — by a wider margin than nearly every other presidential contest in U.S. history. The last time someone won the presidency without the popular vote was George W. Bush in 2000, which ushered in a period of greatness in America that left the country losing a million jobs a month and embroiled in two costly and unnecessary wars of choice.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.