WASHINGTON, D.C. — Starting just after he began selecting his administration officials, President Donald J. Trump has seen people like Senator Bernie sanders be critical of his picks. Today, in the Oval Office, the president told reporters those criticisms are “all totally weak, off base, and wrong, wrong, wrong.” Instead, Mr. Trump claims the selections he made fulfilled a key campaign promise he made to his supporters to “drain the swamp” in Washington, D.C.
“I heard the people. The people? I heard them,” Trump told the press. “They were talking to me, as of course they should because I can fix their problems. Really only I can. But anyway, I heard them. And they said to me to drain the swamp. So I did just that. I hooked up a sewage line from the swamp right into to my administration and drained it. You’re totally welcome, America. Wow, very good president there. Very good president. Man of the people.”
Trump responded to criticisms that have plagued this first year of his presidency that he actually hired more people from “the swamp” — lobbyists and rich people who have a vested interest in making the government enrich them further.
“Maybe what I meant all along,” Trump suggested, “was that I’d make the swamp great again. That’s probably what I meant, now that I’m thinking about what I said more. Yeah, I meant that I was going to make the swamp great again by draining them all into my cabinet. You know, these campaigns are hard things. Very hard. Very tough. You need to have incredible stamina and be in the best- ”
At that moment Trump belched and farted simultaneously and nearly toppled over, finishing his previous sentence as he did, “…physical condition of your life.” He patted his belly and ran his diminutive hands through the rough approximation of hair on his head.
“Anyway,” Trump said, “what was I saying? I can’t remember. That’s funny. Isn’t that funny to you? It’s tremendously funny to me. I’m going to be the most powerful man in the free world and I can’t stay on topic in this, or any other press conference or speech I’ve given. Too funny. Too, too funny. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m feeling a little randy since my win last week. Winning makes me really horny. Someone get Ivanka on the phone…no reason.”