For Christmas this year I have one simple wish — relieve me of my duties as Speaker of the House. Whether that means my party stays in the majority, or whether that means Nancy Pelosi will get the gavel back, at this point I just want to go back to what I do best — painting myself bright orange and drinking copious amounts of scotch. I’ve tried dropping all kinds of hints that I don’t want to do this job anymore, Santa, but no one seems to be listening. I mean, I have literally told the country that I don’t want to pass any laws, only repeal them…AND MY ENTIRE JOB IS ABOUT PASSING BILLS THAT BECOME LAWS!
How much more plainly do I have to spell it out for the American people? I am worn out. I gave the hard right-wing of my party the government shutdown they were dying to get and they still hate me. I can’t negotiate with the president or the Democrats anymore because they see me as being unable to control the hard right-wing in my party. I’m done. I’m tapped out Santa, and I just want to do what every Congressman does best…get drunk on the taxpayers’ dime while I accept huge chunks of money from lobbyists for my “campaign” fund.
I’ve let more than forty meaningless, money wasting votes to repeal Obamacare hit the floor. If ever there was proof that I had given up all hope of maintaining a decent legacy, it’s that I refuse to stand in the way of that kind of worthless grandstanding. I’ve helped keep Darrell Issa in his seat as the oversight chairman despite none of his investigations providing anything close to the kinds of corruption and abuses of power by the Obama White House that he claimed to know of when he took the office. Why can’t everyone see that me keeping Issa in place is a cry for help?!
I’m desperate Santa. And a little tipsy. So I’ll just come right out and say it — I suck at my job. I know it, you know it, the American people who don’t watch Fox News know it. Worst yet, my own party knows it. I am positive that either Senator Ted Cruz or even that nitwit Sarah Palin would have a legitimate shot at winning the Speakership if they made any kind of earnest attempt to lobby for it. After all, there are no rules about the Speaker having to be a member of the House of Representatives, and there are still enough red state southern goons in Congress that would gladly stick to “the man” by handing my job over to one of those ideologues any day of the week.
Help me Santa! I know that as terribly as The House has performed under my leadership that we deserve to be ousted from the majority. In another time and place, I’d say that’s a foregone conclusion. But there’s been so much tweaking and gerrymandering of the districts that I just don’t know. So if you could see fit to use your yuletide magic to drum up a groundswell of Democratic voters in vulnerable districts that would be just swell.
I don’t know how much more I have to suck at my job for the voters in my own district to send me packing. I don’t know how much more terribly my party has to behave for voters all over the country to get the hint. So I know I can’t rely on the ballots being counted to give me my Christmas wish, and that’s why I’m turning to you, Kris Kringle. I may not agree with your socialist policy of giving toys to all the boys and girls based on merit and not means testing, but I’m desperate…so any port in a storm, as they say.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a handle of Dewar’s to attend to.
Rep. John Boehner; Speaker of the House of Representatives