Pat Robertson: ‘I’m Not Sure Who or What to Blame Texas Flooding On’

Rev. Pat Robertson just can't figure out why super-conservative, super-Christian Texas was hit with God's wrath, when it's usually pro-gay states that get it.

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA — The Reverend Pat Robertson admits that these days he’s in a bit of a quandary. “The Good Lord has seen fit to put in my life a real and true moral dilemma,” the aging televangelist told reporters at a recent press conference outside the Virginia Beach, Virginia headquarters of the Christian Broadcasting Network. “That dilemma,” says Robertson, “is just who to blame all the flooding in Texas on.”

Robertson told the press that unlike the 1995 Northridge earthquake and Hurricane Bonnie that hit Florida in 1998 — both natural disasters that the elder evangelical blamed on the regions impacted having embraced homosexuality in some way —  that he “can’t blame the Texas floods on the gays” since the Lone Star State is, according to Robertson, “the most stridently pro-Jesus and anti-gay state out there, by golly by gosh.” Despite his always knowing “just who to blame for all that ails the world,” Robertson says it could take him “a few days to figure out just how to pin the floods on the gays.”

Reporters asked Robertson if the floods could possibly be a sign from God warning Texans against being anti-LGBT so much that they forsake the most important lesson Jesus Christ taught — loving everyone. “The forces of Satan — you know, Democrats and the liberal mainstream media? Well, they’ll ask us ‘gotcha’ questions like this from time to time, and let me just put to rest all this ‘Jesus would have wanted you to love the gays’ crap right now,” Robertson shot back. “Jesus would not have been pro gay, despite what it might look like for a dude to travel around with 12 dudes who just wanted to ‘be close’ to him. And why, you might ask, would the one who brought us agape love be against love of any kind? Because the Bible is what we say it is, and it says what we say it says. It always has been that way, and it always will be that way,” the 85-year-old Robertson said.

“You know, in my day we didn’t have snot-nosed jerks going around using the words of the Bible against us. We were the outright authority on the Bible because we were the ones who traditionally got to control the Bible’s message. We were rich, elite men. That’s who has always controlled the Bible’s messages and themes,” Robertson said. “But that’s all besides the point. The point is that the gays are ruining everything, always bring about natural disasters, and the flooding in Texas is no exception. I just have to figure out exactly how to blame the gays in this case, and I will not be stopped in my quest!”

Robertson scolded reporters for “not remembering that floods are only sent by God when he wants to wipeout humanity, not when he wants to scold his believers for being unsympathic, inhumane garbage people who judge others.” Robertson also reiterated that he knows the Texas floods are the fault of the gays but he “just can’t understand why all the new abortion restrictions didn’t stave off some of God’s wrath” but that ultimately he knows he’ll “sniff out the pro-gay agenda that caused all this tragedy” in Texas.

Since the beginning of May, Texas has received roughly two feet of rain. This heavy downfall has caused such massive flooding that Texas Governor Greg Abbot declared an emergency state, calling the floods “the biggest flood this area of Texas has ever seen.”

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  • Happy Dance

  • Skippydelic

    The line between reality and satire just keeps getting smaller… 😉

  • Bruce Brown

    WOW this is progress. Real progress would be if he didn’t need to blame it on anyone and accept it as nature. This is right up there with Rush Limbaugh admitting he is out of touch and having his show cancelled.

    • J. Fischer

      This was a satirical piece. I’m sure Robertson knows just who to blame for this. We’ll find out, eventually.

      • DBKeeffe

        We must keep asking Pat the … tough (gasp) … relevant (gasp) … questions.

  • Bruce Brown

    Now awaiting Ann Coulter suicide

  • M Dondarrion

    Robertson just said something that PROVES he doesn’t follow the Bible’s principles at all: “Robertson scolded reporters for “not remembering that floods are only sent by God when he wants to wipeout humanity, not when he wants to scold his believers for being unsympathic, inhumane garbage people who judge others.” Robertson also reiterated that he knows the Texas floods are the fault of the gays but he “just can’t understand why all the new abortion restrictions didn’t stave off some of God’s wrath” but that ultimately he knows he’ll “sniff out the pro-gay agenda that caused all this tragedy” in Texas.” Anyone who has actually read the Bible will know that the Great Flood God sent to wipe out evil and corrupt humanity was the last great flood, because God sent the rainbow as a promise and covenant that He would never flood the Earth again. But Texas, which is full of rabies-infested crazy oil-baron-and breathing loving people and Patriotic-hating republicans (or people that call themselves republican), and Oklahoma too, are continually being punished for voting the people in that they have been infesting into our government.

    • J. Fischer

      This piece is satire. That purported summary of what he said is my evidence (plus the ‘Funny Business’ tag).

  • Tom Edwards

    This foolish, hateful old man Robertson is such a living caricature that just about any of these statements could be true. I was three-quarters of the way through the piece before I realized I was reading satire. 🙂

    • Bert Perryman

      Tom Edwards: You sound like you are lost and in need of a Savior. Good News ask Jesus Christ to forgive you and to come into your heart and be Born Again Then you will see clearly that Pat Robertson is not a foolish hateful old man, but a Man of God not wanting you to be lost.

      • Tom Edwards

        I was born and raised in a devout Christian home, and I am a Christian now with unshakable faith in Jesus Christ. This is how I am able to easily recognize a demon when I see one. And Robertson is a demon.

        Now you go worry about your own affairs, not about whether I am “lost” or not.

      • Kelly Roberts

        Oh puh-lease! He’s the leader of the Talibornagains!

  • Izhar Hasan Khan

    Yes, it is similar to the People of Prophet Lout [pbuh]

  • SMFX

    you know, they act like its so odd for there to be flooding. However, the picture they put him on is in front of an Eckerd and they haven’t been around in at least 8 years.

  • Helen Gray

    blame Obama who else?

  • Barb
  • DBKeeffe

    It’s getting so that we need satire to spur (obligatory TX pun) folks into looking into what is real and vice versa.

    I’ll bet more people than ever are now aware of the REAL insanity this senile old coot has been spouting, because of this cleverly crafted bit of satire.

    Kudos to you James Schlarmann.

  • Don_Alejandro

    Pat Robertson apparently thinks it’s his responsibility to make up God’s mind about who to blame for flooding…

  • Anthony Ismael

    Blame it on hateful Ted Cruz and his ilk.

    • Bert Perryman

      Anthony Ismael: God Bless Ted Cruz and bring Holy Ghost Conviction on your Ilk

      • Kelly Roberts

        Ummmmm… HELLO! Invest in a dictionary! Once you’ve done that… LOOK UP SATIRE!!

        Derp… de… derpity… derp