WASHINGTON, D.C. — The National Parks Service has completed a report that surveyed the crowd size at President Donald Trump’s inauguration to the number of people in the room during the now infamous meeting held between a Russian lawyer and Donald Trump Jr. According to the Park Service report, there were more people in the room with the president’s son and the Russian lawyer than were at the swearing-in ceremony back in January.
“Since the story keeps changing,” the report reads, “and we’ve gone from the meeting not having taken place, to there being just a couple other people in the room, to now eight or more people in the room, the Parks Service had to formulate an algorithm that would help us more accurately predict just how many people were in the room, because we know we’ll never get a Trump tell the truth about anything, especially when it could incriminate them.”
The size of Trump’s inaugural crowd has been a sore spot for the president from the very beginning. One of Press Secretary Sean Spicer’s most famous moments came in the very early days of the administration when he angrily slammed the media for not reporting more favorably about Trump’s crowd size. President Trump has made several public statements about how large his crowd size was.
“It’s a good size,” Trump once told a reporter from World Net Daily, “Ivanka’s always telling me about how my size is good enough. So there.”
Mary Jane Mathieu, Deputy Chief Media Liaison for the parks service, held a press conference last week to explain the results of the report.
“Every day someone else admits to being there,” Mathieu told reporters, “But you can’t say the same thing about Trump’s inauguration…only the opposite. The worse his approval ratings get, the fewer people admit to voting for him, much less turning out to watch his small orange hand get placed on a Bible to take the oath of office.”
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Shortly after the hubbub over his inaugural crowd size erupted, Trump ordered the Park Service to investigate whether his crowd size was larger or smaller than Obama’s. The president accused the Parks Service of manipulating published images of his crowd size to make it appear smaller. After an exhaustive, months-long investigation, no evidence of image tampering was found. Ms. Mathieu said that the latest Parks Service report took everything it could into account to help estimate both Trump’s crowd size and how many people were in the clandestine meeting between Trump Jr. and the Russian attorney.
“We didn’t want to hurt the president’s feelings,” Mathieu said, “and that seems incredibly easy to do. So we think that we probably overestimated his crowd size by a couple hundred thousand people, just to be on the safe side. But no matter how we estimated the crowd size, we’d still get new alerts popping up on our phones about someone new admitting to being in the meeting with Don Jr. So yeah. What the shit were we gonna do, lie about Trump’s crowd size? Sad!”
The White House called this story “fake news,” which it might be. But experts say that doesn’t change the fact that Trump is a sad, shallow, pathetic douchebag more interested in looking popular than doing things to make him genuinely popular.
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