SC Dems Propose Bill That Classifies ‘Getting a Boner that Leads to an Abortion’ Accessory to Murder

COLUMBIA, SOUTH CAROLINA — Democrats in the South Carolina State legislature have proposed a new law that is meant to be a legislative response to the strict, 20-week abortion ban Governor Nikki Haley signed into law earlier this year. As proposed by the Dems, SB1469 would charge any man who has an erection that leads to sexual activity that leads to a pregnancy that leads to an abortion with “accessory to murder.”

“The Democrats in the state legislature of South Carolina believe that the law signed by Governor Haley is a direct violation of the constitutional rights of every woman to have a safe, legal abortion,” Rep. Sheila Schultz (D) told reporters at a press conference, “but if we’re going to live in a state with people who think that life begins at conception, we feel we should be going all the way, as it were, and make getting a boner that leads to an abortion an accessory to murder.”

South Carolina’s abortion law is one of the harshest anti-abortion bills to be written in the last several decades. Many, Schultz included, feel the law is unconstitutional and will only cost the state millions of dollars in legal fees defending it.




“The way we see it,” Schultz told reporters, “the abortion ban is written in such a way that you could bring Mother Nature up on charges since a huge number of pregnancies self-abort — or miscarry even after the 20-week mark. The fetus is really not medically viable until the 23 or 24 week mark anyway. So we have to wonder if Republicans here in South Carolina will be setting aside tax revenue to start a new law enforcement agency, specifically tasked with determining if miscarriages in the state are worthy of prosecution.”

Ms. Schultz said that her bill isn’t designed to criminalize all erections, just those that could potentially lead to abortions because she said “clearly Republicans think somehow punishing women in this state will make our economy grow and will fix every problem facing us today.” She said that sometimes you just have to “join them to beat them” and that she hopes men in the state will “think about the roles their boners play in a woman needing an abortion.”

Reached for comment, Rep. Tom Thompaulsen (R), said that he was “pleased” to see Democrats in the state “coming around to see things the right way.”

“We applaud the Democrats for copping to their BABY KILLER ways,” Thompaulsen said, “and we hope they’ll consider helping us pass a new bill we’ve cooked up that will make it a felony to have sex in the state outside of heterosexual wedlock for the expressed purpose of making babies happen. Only through legislating personal sexual morality can we fix the myriad of problems in our society that have nothing to do with personal sexual morality.”


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About James Schlarmann 1703 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
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