BISHOP, OHIO — Municipal Judge Trevor Williamson has been performing civil marriages in the state of Ohio since 1997, when was admitted to the bench on the court in his town of Bishop. He estimates in his nearly 20 years marrying people that he has officiated “literally hundreds” of marriages between all kinds of people. “Except gay couples of course,” Williamson told The Political Garbage Chute continuing, “but not that I would have minded at all. I just wasn’t allowed to, you see.” Williamson told our interviewer that he was “so excited to begin issuing marriage licenses” to a previously scorned class of people because he has “always believed in the 14th Amendment’s simple process of being treated fairly under the law.”
As part of his duties as a civil judge, Judge Williamson must also grant divorces. However, after seeing Judge Allen McConnell, another municipal judge in Cleveland, deny a marriage license to a same-sex couple in his courtroom based on that judge’s religious beliefs, Williamson has decided to take a similar stand — but this time against what he calls “any straight assholes looking to get divorced in my court.” According to to Williamson, he will ask any couple seeking a divorce in his courtroom a series of questions aimed at ferreting out who is an asshole and who isn’t an asshole, and the ones he deems to be assholes will be forced to get their divorce granted by another judge.
“I’ve always operated under the guise that the Separation of Church and state dictates my own, personal religious beliefs do not belong in official court proceedings, because the can of worms it opens up to give certain judges the ability to shirk their civil duty seems stupid and unnecessary,” Williamson told us, “but sometimes you have to fight fire with fire, and I’m going to try and drive a point home here about hypocrisy.” Judge Williamson says he can justify keeping ornery heterosexuals coupled because “assholes deserve each other” and “to spare future non-assholes the trauma of accidentally marrying an asshole, not realizing they’re an asshole.”
When it comes to deciding who is or isn’t to be classified as an asshole by Williamson, he says he has devised a series of questions that will tell him right away who the asshole in his courtroom is. “Do you have a problem with consenting adults marrying each other, regardless of their gender identity, that’s the big one. Pretty much I feel like in 2015 if you have a problem with adults doing what they want to with adults as long its consensual, you’re an asshole,” Judge Williamson said. “Maybe you’re not meaning to be an asshole. Maybe you genuinely believe that God and Jesus are going to be so offended by two dudes with a marriage license getting federal tax breaks that they’ll stop ignoring all the war and death we cause all over the world and come down and smite us simply because we let those two dudes get a marriage license. In my world, that makes you an asshole…a sad asshole…but an asshole nonetheless,” Williamson said.
Judge Williamson says that if questioned by higher courts, he intends to say his “strong religious beliefs” prevent him from “putting asunder what God hath brought together, even if what God brought together is two backwards, archaic assholes.” When other judges around the state stop discriminating against LGBT couples in their courtrooms, Williamson says, he’ll stop discriminating against assholes. “Am I using my bench to make a political point,” Williamson asked rhetorically, “of course I am. But so are the bastards using their bench to deny gay people their marriage licenses. And this whole notion of it being a religious issue is a crock. Because maybe I’m being a little cheeky using my own religious views to deny straight assholes a divorce, but I can promise you that for many, many years every single judge or county clerk would grant divorce after divorce to any couple they wanted to, and I know for a fact divorce is frowned upon in these people’s religions.”
“So if McConnell over in Cleveland is allowed to use the flimsy excuse of his religious beliefs to shirk his responsibilities to the public, I’m going to do the same thing,” Williamson told us. “Sure it’s petty. Sure it brings up questions about why I’m openly discriminating against these people. After all, they often times can’t help being assholes, right? But there’s a difference,” Williamson said as the interview was reaching its conclusion, “between assholes and gay people. Gay people aren’t looking to harm anyone. They aren’t looking to bring down society. They’re just looking for dignity and respect that doesn’t come from just within themselves as Justice Clarence Thomas suggested they should be content with. Instead, they’re just looking for their government to not treat them like second class citizens.
Assholes are just assholes. They are only concerned about their feelings. They are only concerned about their quality of life. They don’t care how systemic discrimination can rob someone of everything including their dignity. And to make it worse, they actually think something ethereal and metaphysical like dignity itself is a fair trade-off for living in a separate but equal fashion. So if you ask me, it’s the assholes in society that should be discriminated against because they’re the ones making every excuse under the sun to just avoid the Golden Rule. And really, who else but an asshole becomes a full-grown adult and decides not to treat others as they’d like to be treated?
Assholes. That’s who behaves like that. And that’s who will get shitty treatment in my courtroom as long as other assholes like McConnell are up in Cleveland acting like, well, major assholes.”