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Published on April 11th, 2014 | by James Schlarmann

2

Oh, Those Poor (Super-Wealthy) Old White Guys…Fuck Them

Everyone, the jig is up. I think it’s time we evil Marxist-Maoist-Satan Worshiping-Sharia Law Fronting-Anti-American Liberals let the old, rich, conservative white guys have their country back. They’ve finally figured it out, that we’re trying to ruin America for people who are so wealthy they literally could buy up all our debt and just fart it out in a cloud of hundred dollar bills and high-frequency stock trades. They’ve put two and two together, and they all have a sad over it. A big, whiny, “woe is me” sad the likes of which were it to be coming out of one we Marxist-Maoist-Satan Worshiping-Sharia Law Fronting-Anti-American Liberals , they’d tell us to “Shut up and get a job, Hippie!”

And it’s just getting depressing watching and listening to them.

The Super-Rich Old White Guy Club first started their public-relations whine fest a couple months ago when One Percenter Tom Perkins lamented in a Wall Street Journal op-ed that Super-Rich White Guys who can literally buy anything they need to make their lives better and will never, ever be able to spend all the money they’ve stashed away in the Caymans, much less what they actually report were being treated as badly as the Jews in Germany were when a dude called Hitler was going all “genocide”y on them. Because you know, there is literally no difference between the wanton extermination of millions of people in horrid, torturous ways and people expressing dismay that people who lose more money in their couch cushions every week than we will see in our lifetimes are paying less into the system that they used and abused than we do.

Then, after Perkins’ tears were dried, the editorial board of The Journal white-washed his clearly insensitive and stupid remarks and doubled-down on the “woe-is-we-filthy-rich” rhetoric, and it didn’t stop there. Billionaire, yes BILLIONAIRE Sam Zell just straight-up accused the rest of us not working as hard as he and his fellow One Percenters do. Because you know, every mega-rich person got mega-rich through wholly legal, non-nepotistic ways, right? Not only did Zell break out his crocodile tears for the people who have no financial worries at all, he went ahead and called us all lazy bastards for not having a buttload of cash like he does.

Then there’s the granddaddy of all Rich Guy Whiners, Charles “How Much for the Whole Government?” Koch. He too took to the pages of The Wall Street Journal to opine about how bad it is for he and his brother David. In his rambling, pseudo-intellectual word salad of a piece, Kock Koch says that “A truly free society is based on a vision of respect for people and what they value,” and clearly he and his brother value dollars and cents more than they do the environment and the rest of us who live in it. He absolutely ladled the self-pity on writing that his political opponents “engage in character assassination. (I should know, as the almost daily target of their attacks.) ”

Does anyone else out there find it absolutely tickling that Koch is complaining about character assassination? Just do a YouTube search for “Koch Obama Ads 2012″ and you will have quite a few videos to choose from wherein Koch-backed SuperPACs lace into President Obama for all sorts of things, impugning his character with presumed impunity. Most of these oligarch’s whine fests ring hollow, and all of them are dripping with so much self-aggrandizement and hubris it could choke a rhino, but it’s the incessant whining by people who mostly have never known, nor never will know, what it’s like to stare down a mortgage payment, car payment, health insurance payment, 401k contribution, groceries, and paying for their kids’ college education and realizing that there’s not enough money for even a third of it all that really seals the deal for me.

So you know what? Let’s give them their country back. I mean, I could make a solid, historically accurate case that the America they think they want back has never existed; not under the Constitution. Sure, the weak Federal government and unfettered capitalism they cream about was tried under the Articles of Confederation and guess what? It was a chaotic, derp-filled mess that was so abhorrent we had to scrap it all and start over again, giving us the very Constitution that many of these money-worshiping cads pretend to love so much. But hey, fuck it. Let’s just give them the country want. Maybe it’ll stop them from whining so much, because nothing is uglier or stupider than someone in the One Percent whinging about how terrible they have things.

Maybe that was their goal all along, to just grind us down like toddlers incessantly begging for a cookie. Eventually you just get so worn out from the relentless crying that you cave, right? Isn’t that how we’re supposed to parent? Just giving into the irrational demands of someone who doesn’t know or care about any negative consequences that arise out of them getting their way?

Something tells me though, that much like that metaphorical toddler we talked about, once we give in to these Scrooge McDuck wannabes they’ll just want more cookies. They’ll keep demanding their cookies until they’ve given us fiscal diabetes. This is nothing new, and it was exactly what Teddy rode into town on a wave trying to fix over a hundred years ago. He brought his big stick and soft walk to D.C. and Big Business whined, complained, and attacked him too. The difference is that unlike our current president, Teddy seemed to be gifted with the guts to persevere and smack them hard with that stick of his.

I guess then, let’s not give them their country back. Instead, how about we put the apathy and cynicism about how broken things are right away? How about we elect people in this year’s mid-terms that will be unafraid to wield the big stick themselves? This land is indeed our land, and we are not obligated to cave to the wants and whims of spoiled, cry baby plutocrats who have it better now than they have in over a century. Let us welcome their hatred, to borrow a phrase from another Roosevelt. Let us push back even harder against the plaintive and baleful moaning of a class of people who live in such rarefied air as to believe they can compare their pampered plight with those who were literally incinerated to death and not be absolutely crucified in the court of public opinion. Clearly they’re scared of us now; it’s high time we storm the ballot boxes and give them a reason to be absolutely, positively mortified.

Maybe then they’ll shut up and get back to quietly counting their money stacks, where they’re truly happiest.

And now, an in-depth look at Trickle Down economics, featuring our top reporter…me.

Does Trickle Down Actually Work?

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About the Author

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a left-leaning satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.



  • justquitnow

    The first rule of fightclub is that you don’t talk about fightclub.

  • Pipercat

    What’s worse, these guys either inherited their loot or skim it off the top of other people’s money.

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