WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Barack Obama (D-Kenya) announced today that he would be “acting in the best interests of the United States and the planet” and he’d be changing the password on the official presidential Twitter account.
“I’ve been thinking long and hard about this,” Obama said, “and I realized I only have two weeks left in this job, and I’ve spent most of it being attacked for no good goddamned reason at all. So you know, what? I’m acting in the best interests of the United States and the planet, and I’m changing the @POTUS password to 1MNID10T.”
Obama said he’s been planning some other measures to “help secure the presidential Twitter account” in addition to changing its password.
“We’re probably also going to replace the official presidential Blackberry with one of those really old, huge bag phones,” Obama said, “and I don’t think he’ll be able to tweet on it even if he could somehow manage to get an app on it; the buttons are way too big for his fingers.”
President Obama said he was hoping to not have to take any final measures in his last two weeks and “coast to the finish line” but after seeing Mr. Trump’s tweeting habits in the time since he won the election in November of last year, Obama “knew [he] had to do something.”
“This guy is retweeting random people just because they agree with him,” Obama said, “and he’s personally trolling his political opponents, bullying private companies in a way that if I had the Republicans would have skipped impeachment and gone right to lynching, and China’s government has already told him to stop trying to conduct foreign policy with 140 characters or less. He’s like a drunken orangutan with a smart phone, and I have to do something to protect our interests both here and abroad.”
Reporters asked President Obama if he really thought this strategy would work, since he was announcing the password to the press. Obama chuckled.
“First, I’m not sure Don reads. Secondly, Donald doesn’t read any papers that would report this. I said it,” Obama told the press, “so Fox will just say that I’m a Muslim again, and Breitbart will say I was sending secret gay Kenyan signals to Alinsky’s ghost. But let’s say they catch on, no big deal. I’m also thinking of changing it from @POTUS to @SCROTUS. It’s more accurate that way, and maybe it’ll put him off using it.”
President Obama’s term, and the Republic, ends when Donald Trump is sworn in as the 45th and final President of the United States of America on January 20th, 2017.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.