WASHINGTON, D.C. — As his time in the White House draws to a close, many reporters have been clamoring to find out what President Barack H. Obama (D-Kenya) will be doing with all the free time he’ll have in just a few weeks. This morning, Obama told reporters on the South Lawn at least a little of what he plans to do as a private citizen.

“Make no mistake,” Obama said, “as every good, clean, ammo-hoarding, gun loving, God fearing right-wing patriot knows I’ve mostly just been golfing, plotting to remove In God We Trust from our currency, and generally not working at all because of how little I respect the office of the presidency. Which is why they elected a guy who doesn’t take intelligence briefings and genuinely thought my staff would stay on to work with him after the election.”

Obama said that despite not really working, as right-wing Americans had known to be the case for nearly eight years now, he “still feel[s] entitled to some vacation time.”

“After all,” Obama said, “as a liberal, I yearn for an unproductive, lazy life. So I’ll probably spend a good amount of time sitting on my ass and playing games on my Obamaphone. I get one of those once I leave office. I put it in a secret Sharia Executive Order.”

Once he leaves office, Obama said he plans to do “a lot of nothing” but that he does have one thing in mind that he’s been “dying to do” for years.

“I think I’m going to harass our next president about his birth certificate,” Obama side with a beaming, wide smile, “because while I’m sure he was born in the United States, I’m not sure we can assume that it was a human birth.”

President Obama said that he’s not a scientist, but the National Institute of Sciencey Things conducted a report that he had commissioned. That report said that there is “significant evidence” that Trump is “not human in origin.” The report did, however, indicate that Mr. Trump’s chemical makeup could also be deceivingly human-like because he is “clearly made up of at least 25% real, human diarrhea and vomit in an orange garbage bag.”

“To be fair, I know I’m just being petty about this,” Obama said, “but to be even fairer to the entire human race, if ever there was man who deserved just a little trolling, it’s Donald Trump. Am I right? Of course I’m right.”




A flash poll conducted by CNN showed that 85% of Americans agreed with Obama that Trump is a person worthy of trolling.

Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.