WASHINGTON, D.C. — Issuing what he called an “Executive Sharia Order,” President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya) has declared that further changes to United States currency are “warranted, necessary, and required” and two Muslim American sports icons — boxer Mohammed Ali and basketball legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar — will move George Washington and Abraham Lincoln from the front of their current positions on the one and five dollar bills to the back of them instead.
“Mohammed Ali and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar are two legendary icons of their era in sports,” Obama told reporters, “and they also happen to be Americans who converted to Islam. I happen to think people sometimes forget that we have American soldiers who are Islamic, American Muslim doctors, and yes, even many athletes at the top of their game who are patriotic, but also happen to worship the same Abrahamic God that many so-called Christian patriots do.” President Obama said that Abdul-Jabbar and Ali both represent “outspoken faith and outspoken civic commitment” and both are “tremendously worthy of this honor, even though [he] knows it’s just ultimately the playful shenanigans of a president with lots of Senioritis and a penchant for trolling the easily trolled.”
Following hot on the heels of the Treasury Department deciding to move President Andrew Jackson to the back of the twenty and put abolitionist hero and Underground Railroad conductor Harriet Tubman in his place, Obama’s executive order says that “similar changes to modernize and fundamentally change America by replacing the inanimate portraits of dead people on our bills with different people.” During his announcement, Obama acknowledged that some conservatives in the country bristled at replacing Jackson, and he knows they’ll “freak the fuck out” when they hear of this news, but he’s okay with it because he’s a lame duck president and he’s “tired of eight years of baseless, conspiracy theory level horse shit” leveled at him and is “willing to just chuck it all out there and watch them molt over it.”
“I just figured with only a few months left,” Obama told reporters, “‘Fuck it, it’s time to mess with the crazies out there a little bit.'” President Obama further acknowledged that he has “zero clue” if he has the constitutional authority to order the bills changed, but he’s quite sure that Executive Sharia Orders don’t actually exist, yet. “Not that it will matter,” Obama said, “how many years in a row now have they believed I was going to take in God We Trust off our coins and currency? They still think my birth certificate is a phony. So, yeah, I don’t think it really matters that I know, you know, and we all know that Executive Sharia Orders aren’t real; they’ll probably read about it on some asshole’s political satire site, run with it, and the next thing you know, Snopes is having to debunk a goddamned joke instead of actually fact checking real shit.”
This is a developing story and will be updated as necessary.
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.