WASHINGTON, D.C. — With only a few short months left in his presidential tenure, President Barack Obama has taken a look at the most recent polling data and concluded it’s time to teach former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton how to most effectively confiscate all the guns in the United States.
“President Obama plans to sit down with Secretary Clinton and her most trusted advisers,” White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters this morning, “and have a little gun grabbing clinic with them. The president has learned quite a lot about coming for everyone’s guns in the last eight years, and he’d like to make sure he passes on what he has learned.”
According to Earnest, when he was just a few days away from his own inauguration in 2009, the president was contacted by the spirit of Saul Alinksy. The semi-transparent, blue ghost told Obama the secrets to taking away Americans’ firearms and also how to make it seem like he wasn’t taking anyone’s guns. That’s why, Earnest says, no matter how hard Americans try, they can’t actually see the guns Obama’s confiscating.
“To the untrained eye,” Earnest said, “it would appear that President Obama hasn’t confiscated any guns at all. But to the eagle-eyed conservative, it’s apparent that he has taken nearly every gun, or at the very least has dreamed about it. Which every conservative legal scholar who got their degree in constitutional law in their local Wal-Mart’s parking lot will tell you is an impeachable offense anyway.”
Tentatively, the plan is to have Clinton and Obama meet in September during the annual secret retreat that all elite, powerful Democrats hold. This meeting is where the idea for abortion was invented and also where the first sinister liberal plot to force everyone to get gay married was hatched. Earnest said it felt like “the perfect setting” to clandestinely meet and discuss Mrs. Clinton’s efforts to finish what Obama has started.
“Obviously as a Democrat Hillary hates guns,” Earnest said, “no matter how many she helped ship overseas in arms deals with Clinton Foundation donors. So we know she’ll be eager to pick up right where the president has left off. Hopefully by the time she’s done, there will be only a hundred million guns or so left, if not less.”
Former Secretary Clinton’s campaign did not respond to a request for comment. The Donald Trump campaign responded only with a tweet that said, “See? We told you. Libtards gonna libtard.”
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