CEREBRO MIERDA, NEW MEXICO — Clem O’Connor has only been a resident of New Mexico for a few short days. He moved to the state after he says he “got fed up” with the people in his old hometown of Hazard, Tennessee “not being fired-up enough about the illegal immigration invasion from the South” to join him on his crusade against the Taco Bell and El Pollo Loco franchises in town. Upon arriving in New Mexico, however, Mr. O’Connor was shocked when he looked at a map of the state and realized what the name of the state was, for the very first time he says.
“I just put on a blindfold, threw a damn dart at a map of the country, and had my cousin Mary make all the arrangements for the move,” O’Connor told The Political Garbage Chute, adding, “after 12 years of marriage, I thought I could trust her to move us to a place we’d really love and get along with the people.” However, as soon as he saw the name “Mexico” on his new state map, he became furious and immediately went to the state capital in Santa Fe and demanded to speak to the governor.
When he was politely turned away without an appointment, that’s when Mr. O’Connor said he decided to take his fight to social media. He started a Facebook page called “One Million New Mexicans In Favor of Changing Our State’s Name to New Freedom Land” and he started a petition within his state to in his words, “force the politicians in the capital to pay attention to the will of the people” and change the name of the state.
“We are not a state in the United States of Mexico,” Clem told our reporter, “we are a member of the The United States of America. At least they could have made the name of the state New America, but I think New Freedom Land is even better anyway.” Clem said he got the idea for the name when he remembered all the fun he had poking fun at French people in the run up to the Iraq War. “We called French Fries ‘freedom fries’ and we called French Kissing ‘Freedom Kissing.’ Oh man, Mary and I used to Freedom Kiss so damn much in those days!”
O’Connor says that he isn’t interested in the history of the state, and doesn’t care that it did in fact once belong to Mexico. He further insisted that “all the damn names of cities that are in Mexicanese” in New Mexico will have to eventually be changed. He said that “a country cannot allow itself to be invaded and occupied, whether by force or by keeping close ties to the cultural and ethnic history of the people in a region!”
“The bottom line is that if we are going to maintain any semblance of the nation we once were,” O’Connor said as he was stuffing envelopes with petitions in them, “we have to only have traditionally American names in our states and cities. Sure, we’re supposed to be a melting pot of cultures and beliefs here, but only if the pot is American made, and the ingredients are all in plain English that I can understand. Is it too much to ask for that people talk in good English around me? Is it too much to ask that the world I live in only look and feel the way that makes me most comfortable? I didn’t think so.”
“I support Donald Trump,” Clem said as the interview was concluding, “because I know that he’ll put the hard work into the issues that are most important to Americans — like whitewashing everything around us to make both tacit and proud white supremacists comfortable.”
Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.