Illinois Nazi Party Concerned They ‘Backed A Total Loser’

The Prarie State's Nazi Party is getting cold feet about Donald Trump.

ELWOOD, ILLINOIS — The American Nazi Party of Illinois at the time of publication is still endorsing Republican Donald J. Trump for president, however the chapter’s president told reporters during his group’s monthly conference call that they’re “extremely concerned” about recent polls, and they are afraid they might have “backed a total loser.”

Back in November of last year, ANPI President Grant Ryan got out in front of a lot of conservative and white nationalist groups when he announced his party’s chapter was endorsing Trump. At the time, Ryan said he was “just pleased as punch” to get the opportunity to vote for “an overt racist instead of a subtle one like usual.” In recent weeks, however, he’s watched Trump back off the birther issue in regards to President Barack Hussein Obama (D-Kenya), and he’s seen Trump’s poll number slide so far that many pundits are foretelling an electoral bloodbath for the alleged billionaire.

“We endorsed him because we thought he was a white supremacist and a winner. But now,” Ryan told reporters, “we’re not so sure about that second part. At least he’s still racist as fuck though.”

The algorithm for FiveThirtyEight, which predicted the outcome of the 2012 presidential election with stunning accuracy, is currently showing Trump with just an 11% percent chance of winning, as of the time of publication. Ryan says, however, that the backslide in polling is bad, but nearly the only reason he and his fellow Illinois Nazis are concerned.

“He’s absolutely tanking in the polls, which is bad enough,” Ryan explained, “but then he went and tried to separate himself from the birther movement.”

Ryan said that Trump’s attempt to “pivot away from” questioning Barack Obama’s birthplace could be a “fatal mistake.” He said that America’s white supremacist voting bloc would not be pleased their candidate is now willing to “just accept any old official governmental form as the truth.” Mr. Ryan said moving away from birtherism has made some of his fellow Nazis start questioning Trump’s dedication to Nazism.

“When he tries to pretend that he’s not a birther anymore, it makes us wonder how committed he is to our great cause,” Ryan said, “because the last thing we wanted as a NINO — Nazi In Name Only.”



Mr. Trump might have done himself a disservice by selling himself as “the biggest winner ever,” Grant says.

“Look, some of us had the chance to vote for racists before,” Ryan said, “so it’s not like him being an obvious racist was his only selling point. I mean, for us Nazis it was, but we also really bought into his winner thing. Hitler was a great man, obviously as everyone knows and universally accepts, but he also lost World War II. That’s really bummed us Nazis out for a long time, you know what I mean? So here we thought our orange skinned savior was here to not only lead us into a new racist era, but to do so while actually winning elections.”

One thing is certain, not even Nazi Party President Grant Ryan will believe the election is rigged, should Trump lose.

“Nah, it ain’t rigged,” Ryan said, “it’s just that the silent majority of racists won’t come out and vote unless they’re convinced they’re putting the next fuhrer in the White House. Trump gave up on birtherism, and he’s obviously going to lose because non-Nazis will outnumber us…again. But I swear, if Trump had just kept up with the racist shit, he’d be winning in a few weeks. Now? Well, now I’m not sure America will ever be as great…ly racist as it was in the past. And that’s just sad, you know?


Follow James on Twitter @JamboSchlarmbo.

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