“My 5 Favorite iPhone Games” by Sen. John McCain

A leaked guest article from John McCain for a conservative tech magazine gives us more insight into America's favorite stodgy war monger.

The Political Garbage Chute was emailed a copy of the following article that’s set to run in the next issue of Republican Techno-Geeks Magazine. It helps shed some light on just why a veteran law-maker known for his penchant for warfare would be caught playing a poker app on his smartphone. Apparently, the editors over at RTGM had tapped McCain to write a piece about his favorite iPhone games, and McCain wasn’t just casually playing a digital card game while he and the other rich and ruling elite discussed just how much war they’d like to make, and just how many American boys and girls would need to be put at risk. The piece for RTGM is to be entitled “My 5 Favorite iPhone Games,” and we present it now to you, in advance of the latest issue of Republican Techno-Geeks Magazine’s printing.

My 5 Favorite iPhone Games
by Sen. John McCain

I just love technology! Whether it’s a Predator Drone with Hellfire missiles or just a plain’ ol hand grenade, I just love technology, and if someone can be killed in combat using it, then that’s technology I can get behind even further! But warfare just isn’t as popular as it was in my day, so I’ve also learned to sublimate my love of technology that kills with regular, non-killy technology as well. My children got together last year and bought me an iPhone, which up to this point was just how I thought Rep. Louie Gohmert asked for a telephone, “I, phone!”

But I’ve found quite a few games that I just love playing, especially at long, boring Senate hearings. I mean, there are times I’ll be hearing Senator What’s-Her-Face blabbing on and on about how Sequestration is hurting head start programs, or Senator DickNose is telling us all about how if we don’t act know the climate’s going to implode on itself and we’re all going to be living underwater (which if you ask me is just fine; I loved Kevin Costner’s “Waterworld.”), and I’ll just fire up my iPhone and within a couple of taps I’m playing some amazing games.

Sure, I could be focused on the task at hand. Sure, I could take my job seriously enough, especially when discussing issues that have far-reaching, multigenerational impacts, that I don’t feel the need to futz around on my phone, but well, when you’ve been part of the ruling elite as long as I have, you realize you only have to look like you give a shit about 20% of the time, the other 20% of the time, I’m trying to crush that candy!

#5. The Sims Nation-Building Edition

If I can’t send a bunch of young boys and girls off to die in a foreign land at least once every decade or so, I get really cranky! So in order to sublimate that urge (you know, in case we have one of those wet-blanket Democrats in the office that are always like, “Oh, let me try and negotiate a peaceful agreement with you Mr. Blah Blah Blah!”), I bought the Nation-Building edition of EA’s epic title, “The Sims.” It’s like the regular Sims except you get add-on missions for falsifying information about yellow cake, weapons of mass destruction, and there’s a new add-on where you can have any of your Sims stand up and proclaim their “moral obligation” to blast other, different-looking Sims into kingdom come. Great times for all!

#4. Candy Crush Your Enemies Saga

It’s just like the regular “Candy Crush Saga” game you know and love so much, but instead of lining up little assorted candies, you are lining up rhetorical talking points and recycled nationalist mumbo-jumbo about “international norms” (that we’ve broken ourselves) and when all the right elements align, you get at least a good, solid, 90-days of lobbing cruise missiles that may or may not cause collateral damage! So much fun!

#3. War Mongering, Rhetorical Words With Friends

Basically it’s like “Words With Friends” but you get tons of bonus points for using war-friendly buzzwords like “moral obligation” and “international norms.” The words with the most points though? “Freedom,” “democracy,” and “red line.”

#2. Draw Me a Tank

Are you sensing a trend yet? This one is just like the regular version of “Draw Me Something” but this time all the themes are war-based. You have no idea how hard it is drawing “carpet bombing the shit out of a region” or “targeted drone strike” until you try to do it in the middle of a Senate hearing without giggling your old face off.

#1. Video Poker

I just love me some video poker. I can’t get enough of it. I play it all the time. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, or how important it is, I will play the shit out of some video poker. It doesn’t matter if we are literally discussing life and death matters in a Senate Foreign Relations Committee hearing, I will play me some Texas Hold ‘Em and all the sideways glances from Dick Durbin are not going to get me to give my precious poker!

 

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