HOUSTON, TEXAS — Ahmed Zair is a 28-year old Muslim resident of Houston, Texas. He’s also a law enforcement officer. Zair says that he was recently patrolling a nearby neighborhood and he found something very disturbing.

“A douchebag named Ted Cruz,” Zair told us. “He was mowing his lawn, in plain sight of everyone. His doucheyness just hung out in the breeze for all to see.”

Mr. Zair told us that he decided to patrol neighborhoods at the suggestion of Cruz, who said in the wake of the Brussels terror attacks that law enforcement should patrol “Muslim neighborhoods.” Zair said in his mind there are so many Muslims in this country, himself included, that he could pick literally any neighborhood and patrol it, and he’d be technically surveiling people of the Islamic faith. So, Zair said, he decided to do an informal count in his county of all the douchebags. He wasn’t prepared to “find the biggest douche of them all” in Cruz, though.

“Oh, I don’t believe in profiling or any of that crap,” Zair said, “I was just curious what’s going on around me these days, and decided to see if I could spot any suspicious people, and I did. I spotted a man who looked suspiciously like a douche nozzle. And when I got close enough to confirm it was Cruz, I knew my suspicions were valid.”

Zair said the thought had never occurred to him before, but that he might take Cruz’s suggestion to “the next level” and patrol Christian neighborhoods too.

“I mean, I always thought the First Amendment precluded agents of the government from targeting people based on religion,” Mr. Zair said, “but if Teddy’s going to give us all permission to scrutinize Muslims, I figure what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.”

Officer Zair told us that in his mind if religious extremists in America are worthy of extra law enforcement patrols, that extremist Christians should “come at the top of the list” because of how many Christians there are in the country.

“Hey, I could tell you that radical Muslims are a much smaller percentage of the Muslim community as a whole, but some asshole Islamaphobe would hem and haw,” Zair said, “but how many KKK members are Christians? How many Christians have shot up abortion clinics or churches in the last couple years? I’m just saying that if you want to talk about religious extremists in America, you might want to start with the most popular religion in America.”

So what did Zair do when he noticed Cruz mowing his lawn?

“I didn’t do anything,” Zair said, “because I was always taught you only pick up the shit your dog dropped. I have no desire to get near him. I just noted the presence of a TK-421 — that’s an open douchebag here in Texas — in my log book and kept on patrolling. I’d rather hang out with the literal AIDS virus than spend time with Ted Cruz, like ever.”