WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shock announcement today, Special Council Robert Mueller announced that the investigation into collusion between the Trump campaign in the 2016 election and Russia, will be dropping their investigation into two of the then campaign’s, and now Trump administration’s, biggest figures — the President’s son-in-law Jared Kushner and the President’s son, Donald Jr. Mr. Mueller claims that the two men are “no longer the problem of the United States of America, or this investigation.”
Ever since the indictments of former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort on charges of money laundering and conspiracy against the United States, recent weeks have seen the investigation become a trending news topic for media outlets across the world, with only America’s own Fox News choosing to instead run with the much more important story of whether the cheese in a burger emoji should be on top, or below, the burger.
With a number of further, sealed indictments currently known to be in existence, speculation has been high over who will be the next big name to fall, with some expecting Donald Jr. or Kushner to receive Thanksgiving dinner on the taxpayers dollar in a federal prison this year. It is for this reason that today’s announcement has been received with such shock across the country.
When asked for clarification on how investigations into Kushner and Donald Jr can be closed at such a time, especially when evidence against the two of them has been mounting, Mr. Mueller told reporters, “The mounting evidence is exactly the problem here. While we would very much like to work to bring both of these men to justice, it is an unfortunate fact that the scope of this investigation’s powers simply do not allow us jurisdiction outside of the United States — At this time, this means that both of the two men are placed outside our area of operation simply by being stuck at the bottom of the very deep holes they’ve dug themselves into.”
Explaining further, Special Counsel Mueller said; “You see, the United States only has jurisdiction down to a depth of approximately 5 miles below sea level, however the evidence against both of the men is such that they’re in holes at least 6 miles deep, this is especially true for Donald Jr, who as we know, has a habit of releasing tweets that serve no purpose but to incriminate himself.”