Mitch McConnell Named Oncology Magazine’s ‘Cancer of the Millennium’

Throughout his lengthy career in politics, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Q-Moscow) has won a few awards, mostly from right-of-center think tanks and conservative institutions. This week, McConnell racked up one more trophy, this time from the world’s only magazine devoted to doctors specializing in treating cancer.

In the newest edition of Oncology Magazine, McConnell is given the award for “Cancer of Millennium.” The prize was voted on via a series of online polls conducted by the magazine. The polls were structured like NCAA basketball tournament brackets, pitting one form of cancer against each other. When it was all said and done, Sen. McConnell beat out Dick Cancer in the final round, and was given the title.

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“It’s pretty incredible, remarkable really, the kinds of cancers that Mitch overtook,” Oncology Magazine’s Editor-in-Chief, Sally Burns told us in an exclusive interview about the award. “In a way, you can say that Mitch is the King of Cancers. I mean, the guy beat out lung cancer for goodness sakes! LUNG CANCER!”

Readers ultimately chose McConnell, who is known officially in the oncology field as “Kentuckian Democratic Carcinoma,” because he, according to his description in the American Journals of Medical Shit, “poses a threat to the democratic system of American self-governance in place since the adoption and ratification of the Constitution.” McConnell’s continued defense of former President Donald Trump’s failed insurrection, and support for Republican states restricting access to the polls makes him a particularly pernicious cancer.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not surprised that Mitch placed so high. He’s as cancerous as they come,” Ms. Burns said. “It’s just that, well, he beat out so many other forms of cancer. Though, as I sit and think about it out loud, of course he did. There are cancers who would be devastated to be diagnosed with in operable form of Mitch McConnell.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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