WASHINGTON, D.C. — With a spring in his step that most of staffers and aides told the press they haven’t seen Vice-President Mike Pence (R) have in quite some time, the former Indiana governor and official second most powerful man in the free world entered his office on the first full day of work. Under Pence’s arm was reportedly a thick folder which contained a manifest of roughly 32 million American vaginae. The list, aides say, will be the basis of Pence’s push to register the genitalia of all American women as “potential abortion sites.”
“I took this job for a lot of reasons,” Pence would reportedly tell his team later in the morning over coffee and doughnuts, “one of which of course being that I had a hunch I’d get to sit in the big guy chair if I played my cards right and just let the orange guy in the White House get his own teat caught in the ringer. But another reason, really the biggest reason, I took this job was so that I could get this country back right with God, starting with the regulation and registration of every uterus, vagina, cervix, and vulva in this great nation.”
Vice-President Pence, according to aides, told everyone in the room that “government was going to get real, real small” during his tenure in the executive branch.
“And I don’t mean small in terms of the number of employees,” Pence beamed, “I mean it’s going to get so small as to fit deep inside the pee holes of every of man, woman, and child. Because as it says in the Bible, God has literally nothing better to do with His infinite time than to care about who sleeps with whom down here on Earth.”
Mr. Pence told reporters later that day that he hasn’t put “a whole ton of thought” into how he’ll go about registering each woman’s vagina, but that he will have a plan formulated and on President Donald Trump’s agenda by the end of the first quarter.
“We cannot delay,” Pence said, “because even though we campaigned on a message of jobs, jobs, jobs, let’s face it — our base needs us to wage the culture war.”
Pence also announced he’d propose to Trump that he be allowed to oversee an HIV outbreak across the country. As Indiana’s governor, Pence defunded Planned Parenthood, which led to a massive spike in HIV cases in the state. Vice-President Pence said he’d also like to “look into” the possibility of nullifying all same-sex marriages on the grounds that he finds it “icky.”
“We’ll have to see if our alternative constitutional scholars can find us the legal cover to do it,” Pence said, “but I think that since I’m the VP, and I find gay stuff icky…mainly because I can’t really explain why my crotch zone in my pants gets really tight when I think about or see gay stuff…but anyway, since I find it icky, it should have to go. But we’ll just see what the nerds down in the nerdatorium come up with on that one.”
Pence became the Vice-President of the United States last Friday when Trump was sworn in, and would replace Mr. Trump in the event of impeachment and removal from office or resignation.
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