Migrant Workers Flood Bible Belt States, Filling Vacated County Clerk Positions

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Who will fill the holes left by highly-principled religious bigots? Migrant workers perhaps?

In Green Oak, Tennessee Manuel Vargas is straightening his tie on his first day at work in the Jackson County clerk’s office. Vargas, originally from Venezuela, came to the United States on a work visa granted to him by the State of Tennessee to help fill one of the numerous county clerk positions that have opened up as older, conservative clerks retire in the face of having to sign a piece of paper allowing two adults of the same gender to cohabitate, share expenses, and enjoy federal and state tax protections by certifying same-sex marriages. “I was online back home and I saw an job posting on a website down there looking for able-bodied and minded people to come to America to marry gays to each other. The job payed about four-hundred and eighty five percent more than I was making at the time, and I’m no relic of a bygone era, so I hopped right on it. I applied, sent in all the forms and identification I needed, and boom, the next thing I know I’m coming to the U.S. to help couples in love,” Vergas told The Political Garbage Chute.

Down in Porcine County in the state of Kentucky, Ahmed Karim Mahfouz has been officiating same-sex marriages for a week now and says he has “never felt so good” and that “seeing the look of love in these peoples’ eyes is worth every mile [he] traveled here from Pakistan.” Kentucky started a similar program to the one in Tennessee that enticed Vargas to come when they too started seeing a rash of scared, white Christians quit their jobs in the face of having to show gay people humanity and dignity. “I am so grateful that so many in this country can’t wrap their heads around the idea of love being equal no matter what,” Mahfouz told our interviewer, “their bigoted loss is my family’s gain!”

Hall’s Falls County in Alabama says that they have hired at least a dozen immigrant workers from six different countries to handle their sudden need for county clerks. “Who knew so many bigoted old people couldn’t just suck it up and rubber stamp a piece of paper,” said one source close to the Alabama county clerk’s office. “Hall’s Falls is a pretty conservative county, but I’ve never seen any clerk blanch or bat an eyelash at marrying a Jew and a Christian or two Hindus. But all of a sudden two adults of the same gender want to get married and we find ourselves without the clerks necessary to do that. So we hired people who wouldn’t let their personal religious beliefs get in the way of their job duties,” our source told us.

“I guess it is true,” Greenville County, Tennessee supervisor Sheila West told The Political Garbage Chute, “mostly immigrants come here to do the jobs Americans don’t want to do. Well, okay, in this case they’re doing the jobs bigoted Americans don’t want to do, but you get my point.” West tells us she has personally hired four migrant laborers from Chile to fill vacancies left by “the old blue haired clerks too scandalized to smile, nod and sign a simple form.”

In Cross Corners County, Arkansas clerk Robert Sherman says he is “pleased as pie” to see so many “new and fresh faces” around his office. “Oh, the migrant workers that we hired are just so pleasant. They don’t grouse about anything, and they are just such a breath of fresh air. You know I’ve gone almost two weeks now without having to hear one of the old clerks moaning and complaining about how badly Obummer is doing as president. I wish the Supreme Court would have ruled on gay marriage sooner; they’d have saved my poor ears from hours of scared old folks complaining about modern life!”

“As long as people want to help other people and not judge them, there will be a spot open in Grover County,” was how Henrietta Gato explained the situation to us. “The role of a civil servant is to serve the public, not to sit in an ivory tower of judgment over them. I don’t abide people sidestepping their duties because of their religious beliefs. You can go to any church you want, and on Sundays — or whatever day you worship — you can judge all the gay people you want to judge. But come Monday morning, you take off your God hat and you put on you civil servant hat for the next nine or ten hours. Then, you can go home and in the privacy of your own home you can gnash your teeth and wail and moan all you want until you go to bed, wake up, and get to work the next morning. The rest of us have to be polite in public, and guess what? So do you.”

Marriage equality has been the law of the land since the Supreme Court’s landmark 5-4 decision on June 26th, 2015. To date, no reports of heterosexual marriages spontaneously ending have been reported.

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