So everyone saw my performance in the Donald Trump Hour — known to loser-ass losers as “the first televised debate between the top 10 polling Republican candidates for the 2016 presidential election” — right? You saw how perfectly I answered the questions, like a lifelong winner who’s only used to winning right? We all, every single one of us in this great country of ours, can agree that I was the outright winner and we should probably skip all the “voting” bullshit and get straight to where I put my hand on a Bible and get a big, fat, Presidenting Crown stuck on my beautiful, flowing, red/orange/gray/polka-dotted mane, right?
Because apparently some people are saying that Megyn “Onion Ass” Kelly took me to the woodshed over my “misogyny” and that my late-night twitter rant against her line of questioning is an embarrassment for me. Let me say two things. One, it’s “Onion Ass” because hers is round, sweet, and brings a tear to my eye. Second, I don’t get embarrassed, ever. Obviously I don’t. Humility is for loser-ass losers who lose. Bombast is for winner-ass winners.
Let me say one other thing, I’m not a misogynist, at all, and Megan Kelly can suck my dick if she thinks I am. Have I said some horrible shit in the past about women, and did Megyn actually bring up those times and accurately quote me to me? Of course she did. But I’m Donald Motherfuckin’ Trump. I’m in capable of being anything unless it’s good. I’m literally incapable of being something that’s bad. I mean, in point of fact if I am misogynist, that actually means misogyny is a good thing. Anything I am is good, anything I’m not is bad, get it?
Now, Sweet Tits Kelly might point to my horrid statements about Rose O’Donnell as proof that I’m a misogynist, but I think it’s more proof that I’m just an asshole. I mean, is it misogynist to think of only women I want to sleep with as women, because if that’s the case then call me a “misogynist” I guess, but that’s why I’m so shitty to Rosie. I don’t want to fuck her. If I wanted to fuck her, I’d be really great to her. I’d give her tons of money. Hell, eventually I’d marry her and probably procreate with her. Then of course I’d get bored and dump her over the side of my breakup yacht — a yacht I had fitted with a plank for my bitches to walk after I dump them — but I’d be great to her right up to the point where her vagina had fulfilled enough of what I personally wanted out of it.
If you, or Big Boobs Megyn think that me running the Miss Universe pageant for years — a competition that literally objectifies women — as proof that I don’t value women outside the realm of sex objects then you can suck my dick too. Just because I have said and done things that make it very obvious that I don’t really care about women’s issues (unless she’s issuing me a BJ), does that really make me a misogynist? Am I really a misogynist because I have shown no use for women unless it’s to fuck them or to prop them up on my reality-TV show for my own personal glory?
Look, ladies, if you want to come at me, come at me. But here’s the really simple bottom line for you, and I’ll keep it short since I know your female brains will stop hearing me after too many words with multiple syllabuses in them. Let me know if you need help looking up syllabus in the dictionary, by the way. Anyway, here’s the bottom line: Maybe I’m a misogynist. Maybe I’m a money worshiping One Percenter. Maybe I have actually zero intention of seeing this through. But guess what? None of that matters.
Because I know how to throw red meat at the base. I know how to rile them up. Maybe the Republican Machine will get me in the end, maybe it won’t. But do you think I honestly care what any of you total losers thinks of me? Of course I don’t. I’m Donald Cocksucking-Motherfucking Trump, and if you think I’m a misogynist, I’ll buy twenty bitches just like you who’ll tell me I’m not, all while they suck my dick.
Now what do you say, Megyn baby?