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Published on August 8th, 2012 | by James Schlarmann

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Maybe The Republicans Just Want To Get Laid


The War on Women doesn’t exist. Sorry ladies, but we have definitive proof that there’s no way that Conservative Republicans are targeting your genitalia unfairly for new regulation. This evidence is so damning to your cases, that you may need to sit down; it’s the end of your movement. The evidence that there is no war on women is this – The Republican National Convention will feature two female governors and one female former Secretary of State. That’s right, ladies. Republicans don’t want to legislate your privates.

Gov. Nikki Haley will be one of the “we’re definitely not pandering for women’s votes” speakers at the RNC.

They just want to get some.

I mean, that has to be the only explanation for why they’d load up on all the females. It’s definitely not the case that they know they’re facing an PR nightmare from Hell. It’s certainly not because they know they’ve angered and activated a massive base of pissed-off female voters. It’s most certainly not pandering in any way, shape or form. It’s simply an old fashioned case of blue balls.

They’re not putting Condie Rice and Nikki Haley up on the stage as some kind of Republican eye-candy/”We promise we don’t hate women!” object lesson! That would just be gross politics at play. And we all know what happened the last time the GOP tried to pander to the ladies: The Grizzly Mama herself was unleashed on an unsuspecting populace, and we are still trying to capture and return that particular bear back to her natural Habitat…Either Alaska or Hell.

If you think about it, it’s quite possible that the GOP is just extremely horny. After all, how many women are attracted to men who would support passing laws that regulate what she can and can’t do with her genitalia? How many women would willingly get into bed with someone that thinks that even in case of rape or incest, she doesn’t have a right to an abortion? Since 2010 Republicans in both state legislatures and in D.C. have authored and sponsored hundreds of bills that would add new limits to abortion laws, effectively trying to swerve their way around Roe v. Wade. Strangely, things like trans-vaginal probes and personhood bills stating that life begins at the moment the man’s balls start tingling aren’t making women too keen on supporting the Grand Old Party.

It’s all the mean Democrats fault, and that asshole Mark Zuckerberg too. Democrats have been going around telling people about all these new abortion and contraception laws, totally cock-blocking Republicans. And Facebook is a breeding ground for groups of upset and angry females, directing their ire at Republicans. Clearly Zuckerberg is a Communist and Alan West needs to investigate him right away.

Yes, Republicans. Pandering to the ladies always goes swimmingly for you.

So it’s obviously been quite some time since the Republican power structure has gotten some action. My theory is they figured on just inviting as many well-known female Republicans that they can to speak, thereby making themselves look more open-minded and opposite gender friendly. A cynical person would call this pandering for votes. I simply call it pandering for sex. And isn’t there a big difference between the two?

And look, I didn’t want to say anything, but since we’re on the subject, maybe all you ladies are to blame. What’s so goddamned important about having complete and total control over your reproductive organs? Let me tell you, as a man I’ve had that right since I was born, and it’s not THAT big a deal. It’s almost like I don’t even notice it; like I just about take it for granted. Sure, I can go around and impregnate every woman I meet, skip town, and unless they can find me, I don’t have to actually be responsible for my actions. Trust me ladies, you don’t want that kind of freedom. It’s scary.

Why don’t you women ask yourselves if you really do want all the pressure, deciding what to do with your vagina every day. Can you really handle the pressure? Can you really see yourself making the right decision for your own body every time? Why not give up some of that control to old, white guys? What terrible calamity has ever come from putting all our faith and trust in the decisions of old, white guys? Quit being so selfish, girls. That’s really what I’m saying. Quit being so selfish, and just let us help you decide what’s best for your bodies. Then once you make the inevitable conclusion that Republican men are the best people to make your reproductive health choices for you, maybe you can thank them by pity-fucking them.

They’re used to that.

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About the Author

James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a left-leaning satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.



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