MEADOW STONE, NEW HAMPSHIRE — Taking time out from his busy campaign schedule, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL), told reporters at a Taco Bell in New Hampshire that he and his campaign have done some polling on a new policy proposal that they feel will “really speak to true-blue, Republican American patriots,” as Rubio put it.
“What we’re going to propose, should we win next November,” Rubio told the media between bites of his Cheesy Gordita Crunch, “is that we ask all refugees who come here from Muslim countries to wear a special patch on their sleeves, just to help spot them in a crowd better.” Sen. Rubio said the patches would be issued “when the refugees arrive and their religion is determined.” According to Mr. Rubio, he doesn’t “see a need for Christian refugees to wear the patches; just Muslims and atheists.”
Rubio said to reporters that “we all know we can trust Christians, because Christians haven’t committed acts of terror on this country in a long time.” When a reporter immediately asked him about Dylann Storm Roof, the white supremacist who killed several members of the country’s oldest black church over the summer, Rubio acted like he couldn’t hear the question, took a bite from his Crunchwarp Supreme, and moved on to the next question.
“This is all very simple,” Rubio said while slugging back his Mountain Dew, “it’s not that we can’t trust the Muslims coming in seeking refugee status, it’s that we can’t trust any Muslims.” Senator Rubio, taking a bite from his Nachos Bel Grande said, “Generalizing and grouping refugees together with the very people they’re trying to flee from is as American as apple pie and mass shootings. Why do you think we rounded up the Japanese during World War II? It was because we looked at them, and just couldn’t tell if they were trustworthy or not. So instead of waiting for them to prove one way or the other by their actions if they were good people, we rounded them up and locked them up.”
In today’s society though, Rubio says that “no one could stomach internment camps” because “they’re all Grade-A, safe space needing pussy libtards, if you pardon my candor.” However, he sees the special patches that Muslim refugees would have to wear as a “reasonable amount of shallow judgmental xenophobia that won’t alarm human rights activists too much.” Senator Rubio admitted that “in a society that allegedly respects everyone’s right to practice or not practice any religion they choose” his proposal might seem overly harsh and a little fascistic.
“But you know,” Rubio said, “let me ask you all a question. What’s the harm, the real harm, in labeling someone by their religion and implying by that label that they shouldn’t be trusted? Granted, we’d never do this to Christians because Christians never commit horrible acts of violence, right? But really, what’s the big deal if we just treat every single person running in terror for their lives as if they’re the ones they’re running from? What possible harm could come from turning away people seeking asylum,” Rubio asked.
“No, really, I’m asking for reals because I don’t know. But I do know who would know,” Rubio said as he took the last bite of his Burrito Supreme, “the Jews who tried to come into the country back before the Second World War started. Whatever happened to them? Can we get them on the phone? I’d love to ask them some questions.”