WASHINGTON, D.C. — On a conference call today with several world leaders, Sub-President Donald Trump extended an invitation to Russian President Vladimir Putin.
Trump told Putin that the former KGB agent who is widely suspected of directing an influence campaign of cyber attacks on the U.S. during last year’s election in an attempt to help Trump win that he could use Trump’s resort in Florida as his “Winter Kremlin.” The alleged billionaire assured Putin that he’d love it at Mar-A-Lago, and that security isn’t an issue.
“Vlad, security will not be an issue there, I promise,” Trump told Putin, according to several top aides, “hell, I took a call on the North Korea missile thingy in the middle of a dinner with the Jap guy from Japan! No one said shit. They just took a bunch of Facebook photos, which is really only good for my rep, you know?”
Reportedly, President Putin seemed very intrigued by the offer. Sources close to the conversation tell us that Putin has always loved Disneyworld, and has really been dying to check out the new Harry Potter attraction at Universal Studios. His favorite character from that franchise is Voldemort, and he’s dying to see how they incorporated the Dark Lord into their theme park plans. However, Putin did still have some trepidation about taking Trump on his offer.
“I don’t know my little orange one,” Putin responded, “it might raise serious questions. And we’re not to the part of the plan where we can just tell the press to suck a dick yet. We need to be able to erode the public confidence in it more. We can’t blow our cover on this my little Apricot Pol Pot.”
Trump seemed a little hurt, and more than a little dejected. He whimpered a bit. It was obvious that he was really hoping Putin would accept the offer.
“Vladdy baby,” Trump said, “think about all the money we’d save on international calls if I could just walk down the hall and knock on your door if I wanted to ask permission for something. We could even cut out the middle man and let Bannon get back to finding the lost ark of the covenant.”
Steve Bannon, hearing this suggestion, perked up, smiling ear to ear.
“No, Donald,” Vladimir said, and Bannon’s heart and eyes sank, “we cannot combine our juices just yet. We must keep our super sexy, super masculine, super powerful juices separate a little while more, my little orange orangutan.”
After thirty more minutes of whining, pleading, and begging, Trump finally acquiesced. Though Putin would not agree to come stay in Florida with him, Mr. Trump did get the Russian president to agree to a “lovely couple of weeks in the Keys” this summer. Once Trump assured Putin he wouldn’t have to wear a shirt the entire time, Vladimir was quite sure he’d like to take the vacation. The two agreed they’d only do a bit of “light scheming to destabilize western society” and would spend most of the time playing “getting to know you games” and building “deep, personal, intimate relationship.”
There has been no official time table set for Putin and Trump’s vacation together, but this story will be updated when one is announced.
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