LAKE OF FIRE IN HELL, ETERNITY — Reports in earthly media that former Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) called Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) “Lucifer in the flesh” have really upset one man — Bob “Satan” Beelzebub de Lucifer, or The Devil for short.
Bob told reporters at a press conference in Hell that he was annoyed and “extremely pissed” that Boehner decided to “drag” him into the political fight over the Republican presidential nomination, and he said that he take offense at the comparison between Cruz, or any member of his party.
“I’m not like Cruz or any Republican,” Lucifer said emphatically, “I don’t discriminate. I accept people of all walks of life here. Boehner would probably be shocked how may Republicans are here. Richard Nixon is my racquetball coach.” Satan then listed a whole slew of Republicans that have ended up in his hotel, and said that he did have some sympathy for what Boehner was trying to express.
“I get it, I do. Cruz sucks out loud, and is a horrible piece of shit of a human being who thinks Muslims should be monitored in their neighborhoods,” Lucifer admitted, “So Johnny was looking to really smack him down, and being that Cruz is a Christian Dominionist, calling him Satan is a pretty good insult. But prick me and do I knot bleed, John boy?”
Satan then gave reporters a short list of people and things that he wished Boehner had compared Cruz to, instead of himself. He said things like “cancer, AIDS, losing your ATM card, drinking fetid monkey cum, and hitting your balls with a tack hammer” were all better comparisons to Cruz than he was. People like “Pol Pot, Joseph Stalin, Carly Fiorina, or Carson Daily” would have made more apt comparisons to Cruz.
Ultimately, Lucifer told reporters, he’s not “so angry at Boehner” that he’d retaliate. “That guy’s got a liver that looks like a lump of coal Santa gives kids on the naughty list,” Satan said, “he and I can discuss all this shit in person not that long from now. I just think he should think about my feelings, too, is all. We have history.”
“All I’m saying is homey could’ve kept it safe and gone the Hitler route,” Satan told the press. “He could have compared Cruz to a steaming pile of diarrhea, and a) been more accurate and b) not insulted the guy who has helped keep his party in power the last couple decades. Wait. That’s off the record.”