HODGE’S HOLE, MISSISSIPPI — One very vocal Republican man in a small town in Mississippi is “mad as hell” at President Barack H. Obama (D-Kenya) for not using a very specific term when describing the murderous rampage that took place at an LGBTQ nightclub in Orlando, Florida over the weekend.
“How come he can’t just say it,” Clem O’Connell asked reporters at an impromptu press conference he held outside his double-wide late Monday afternoon, “why can’the just use the phrase? We all know he should. We all know that terrorism will never be solved until he uses the right words, and two of those words have been on the tip of every conservative’s tongue for eight years, but yet Obummer just won’t say them.”
Mr. O’Connell says “using this phrase will drive home to every American just how real and scary a threat ISIS is.” He said “by avoiding using this phrase, Obamalama the Usurper Clown Boy Prince Dear Leader is handing victory to our enemas, and we can do so much gooder than that.”
“Here he goes, leading from behind,” Clem told reporters about Obama’s speech to the nation, “because he’ll talk about how we need to do something about access to guns in this country — just because, like, there have been more than 100 mass shootings in this year alone or whatever. But he won’t just use a simple, two word phrase? What a coward-ass libtard!”
Clem said that if “Obozo doesn’t have the stones” to use the phrase, then ordinary Americans like himself will have to take up the mantle.
“If our so-called, alleged president isn’t going to have the balls to use it,” Clem said, “then we all have to. We have to flood social media with it. We have to use the phrase and then also demand that every single, solitary Muslim in this country loudly denounces terrorism. Because that’s what freedom of religion means; making sure that people are free to practice their religion the way conservative Christians want them too.”
After forty minutes screaming about how Obama and presumptive Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton are “clearly afraid to tell the truth” and that they are “very obviously trying to bring America down by being more tolerant and nuanced in the face of terrorism.” He then concluded his press conference by using the very phrase he accuses Obama of being “too chicken-shit libtarded” to use.
“You don’t wanna use it Obama,” Clem said, “fine. I’ll use it. Ready? Ooga booga!” Then, after a pause, “Ooga booga! Muslims! Ooga Booga!”
Hours later, having gotten news that a redneck in the United States had used the phrase, ISIS officially surrendered, claiming terrorism was no longer necessary, and thanking Clem for showing them “the light.”
Reached for comment, President Obama said, “Wow. Who knew that there was some magical two-word phrase I could use to make us safer and more secure. Learn something new every day, I guess. I would have thought that an issue as complex as global terrorism would take a measured response and well thought-out strategy. Huh. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to go meet with my Secret Gun Grabber Cabinet — er I mean — go write some more Executive Orders to fill before next January.”