Tammy Lahren Adjusting to New Career as WalMart Greeter/Angry Ranter

FART WORTH, TEXAS — Conservative firebrand talk show host Timmy Lahren has had a rough 2017. Despite her favored presidential candidate winning last year, a sure victory for Tammy over her declared enemies — so-called liberal American “snowflakes” — Lahren herself has come under fire by fellow conservatives for her pro-choice views. While a guest on the popular daytime show “The View,” Turmeric told the show’s host she was personally against abortion and wouldn’t have one, but does not believe the government has a role to play in telling a woman not to have one.

The outcry from the right was loud and swift. Lahren was quickly suspended from her show, and is now suing The Blaze, her employer, who she says wrongfully terminated her over her pro-choice views. In an interview with “Nightline,” Tambourine told the interviewer that she is hurt by losing her web show, which had garnered national attention for her rants against Black Lives Matter and Colin Kaepernick. “It’s my job,” Tributary said on “Nightline,” “It’s my life. Without that, I feel lost.”

We caught up with Ms. Lahren this past weekend while she worked at her new job at WalMart, and Tamale says she’s “adjusting to it really well.”

“Well, I’m not a mooching-ass taker victim snowflake,” Lahren said as she stood at the front of her local WalMart, greeting customers and shouting anti-liberal rhetoric at shoppers as they entered the store, “so while I await the outcome of the lawsuit I filed that, frankly, I’d mock a liberal incessantly for filing, waits for its day in court, I took a job with the good folks of WalMart. I’m an official Greeter/Angry Ranter, and I’m going viral here baby!”

Lahren says that WalMart hired her because they knew she’d make their conservative patrons feel at east when entering the store.

“When real patriots see me or hear my shrill voice,” Tangerine told us, “they know they’re in a good place. A warm place. A place where their ignorance-based ideological hatred will be coddled instead of righteously called out by people sick and tired of ignorant hate.”

The assistant manager of the WalMart Tonsillitis works for told us that she is a “hard working, if not loud and abusive” employee.

“I mean, I wish she wouldn’t shout BLUE LIVES MATTER in every black customer’s face,” the assistant manager told us, “and she speaks so quickly a lot of customers just think she’s a blonde android from the planet Stupidia, but still, she’s good to look at I guess. So, you know, we’ll keep her around a bit longer, I suppose.”

Track and Field Lahren says that she is confident her lawsuit will prevail, but if it doesn’t, she thinks she can still have a huge impact in her current job.




“Let’s be real,” Lahren said, “if you were to ask someone for a visual representation of my audience, a WalMart in Texas would fit perfectly. So I’m literally speaking to the same exact people I was before, but I got me a nifty vest now. GOD BLESS AMERICA!”


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About James Schlarmann 1634 Articles
James is the founding contributor and editor-in-chief of The Political Garbage Chute, a political satire and commentary site, which can be found on Facebook as well. You definitely should not give that much a shit about his opinions.
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